The Impact of Parental Invalidation
Parental invalidation is a form of emotional manipulation. What makes it worse is that such abuse often happens unintentionally. Parents frequently repeat what they learned by being parented. Unhealthy tropes can be passed down from generation to generation without as much as a second thought.
When a child of any age behaves in a way that is deemed improper, a parent may speak in such a way as to invalidate what the child is experiencing. Dismissing them with comments like “You don’t really mean that” or “Stop over-reacting” is a form of gaslighting. Such invalidation can have long-lasting effects on the child, adolescent, or teen.
Signs of Parental Invalidation
Let’s start with some lines that are far too often viewed as normal, benign, and acceptable:
“That’s not what happened.”
“Get that look off your face.”
“Stop, or I’ll give you something to really cry about.”
“How do you think that makes me feel?”
“You’re making everyone else miserable.”
“Oh, look who got out of bed on the wrong side again.”
“You really should be over that by now.”
“Life’s not fair.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“You’re just going through a phase.”
“You’re so dramatic.”
“Why can’t you be more like ___?”
Who hasn’t heard all of this? Who hasn’t said something like this to a child, sibling, or friend? Such treatment teaches lessons like:
You shouldn’t feel what you feel.
You’re not allowed to have your own needs, wants, and boundaries.
What you say and how you feel is less important than how it makes others feel.
Uncovering the Long-Lasting Effects of Parental Invalidation
An invalidated child can grow up to be an adult with a range of confusing, negative issues. First and foremost, they’ve been taught a counterproductive form of communication that is likely to be passed on. The invalidated can become an invalidator. Also:
Anxiety that takes the form of perfectionism and high sensitivity
Since their emotions were not accepted, they do not learn to trust their own feelings and perceptions
Low self-esteem
Difficulty expressing and/or regulating emotions
Left unchecked, this cycle will keep rolling along.
Reminder: By Validating, You Are Not Necessarily Agreeing
It makes sense for any parent reading this to wonder why they should validate what they perceive as unhealthy behaviors. The reality is that validating your child is not the same as agreement. You do not have to condone an action or emotion to validate it. Your child can very much benefit from hearing you demonstrate that you understand what they feel.
Listen to this: “That sounds like a tough situation, and I could see why you felt mad.” You validate their experience before adding something like: “But there’s still no excuse for yelling or breaking something.” You acknowledge their perception before setting a boundary. It can be a game changer to show your child that you are empathizing with them.
Can You Recover from Invalidation?
Short answer: Absolutely, yes. A powerful start as an adult is to begin validating yourself. Accept yourself and show self-compassion. You can see your emotions as valid while still holding yourself to healthy standards. At the same time, your path toward healing can include a practice of checking yourself before aiming invalidation at others.
Whatever end of the conversation you are on, take it one situation at a time. Deeply engrained patterns and beliefs do not disappear overnight. But they very much can be identified, challenged, and replaced. Such work is best approached with the help of a mental health professional. Committing to therapy is a well-worn, proven path toward better emotional regulation, increased confidence, and a deeper understanding of your own experiences. Let’s connect and talk about this soon! Email us or contact us here to schedule an appointment.