Emotionally Focused Therapy
What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?
Emotionally focused therapy enables couples to create the intimacy, connection, and trust that they have always wanted by teaching them how to form a safe, secure emotional attachment. In relationships, many individuals will not communicate their deepest wants, needs and feelings for fear of their partner rejecting them. Instead, they share safer emotions such as anger or fear and hope that their partner will somehow figure out their wants, needs and feelings.
When that inevitably fails, they get frustrated and fall back on one of two traditional coping strategies. They might go on the offensive and pursue or attack their partner to get them to comply, or they might withdraw and refuse to engage. The real trick here is that whichever coping strategy one chooses tends to be threatening to their spouse and vice versa, creating a dysfunctional dance.
Emotionally focused therapy provides a safe framework that allows couples to explore and express their wants, needs, and feelings with each other. An EFT counselor can also teach couples how to recognize the dysfunctional dance when it starts, and more importantly, how to get out of it.
EFT Is a Highly Effective Therapy Model For Couples
EFT was founded by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s.¹ She developed the emotionally focused therapy model by expanding upon techniques from other forms of treatment and drawing heavily from attachment theory.² At the time, emotions were viewed as “problems” rather than an integral part of treatment solutions. But as Dr. Johnson observed and coded hundreds of couples’ therapy sessions, she realized that pathologizing emotions was misguided. Instead, an emotionally focused model was actually the key to strengthening romantic relationships. Early research indicated that couples achieved significant improvements in intimacy and communication after eight sessions of EFT (Johnson and Greenberg, 1985).³
EFT is also a powerful treatment approach for couples rebuilding during their recovery process from the betrayal and infidelity that often accompany sex addiction. Sex addiction can lead to disordered attachment, but EFT can heal a couples’ attachment bond by exploring the impact of the addiction and gradually restoring trust (Love, Moore, and Stanish, 2016).⁴ Studies indicate that couples receiving EFT report higher sexual satisfaction along with improved attachment over time (Wiebe et. al. 2018).⁵ Today, EFT is generally regarded as the most effective form of counseling for couples.
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How Does Emotionally Focused Therapy Work?
EFT is built upon the basic principle, “I feel, therefore I am.” People feel before thinking, which means that they’re letting emotions drive their thoughts and behaviors. When couples get trapped in a negative cycle of secondary emotions, these secondary emotions end up motivating their actions. It is only by addressing and honoring these complex emotions that couples can move forward.
Through EFT, couples can begin feeling safe while having vulnerable conversations. Rather than communicating with anger or fear, they can break out of their negative cycle and start building lasting trust.
A therapist who specializes in EFT will walk couples through three primary stages. First, couples will focus on stabilization and de-escalation, which allows them to assess their specific emotions and any underlying attachment issues. Next, they can begin restructuring their bond by sharing their attachment needs, which creates the opportunity for healthy bonding interactions.
Finally, couples work together to come up with new solutions during the consolidation phase and explore positive communication cycles, which enables them to create a story of secure attachment. Overall, EFT leads to change through a corrective emotional experience: couples learn that their emotions can be embraced and expressed rather than hidden.
Who Can Benefit From EFT?
While emotionally focused therapy is primarily used for couples struggling to connect, both individuals and couples can benefit from this form of treatment. EFT helps people develop a deeper sense of self-awareness, particularly regarding authentic emotional experiences. They can get comfortable with true vulnerability, identify their real emotional needs, and learn how to better respond to their partner’s emotional needs and desires.
This form of treatment can be especially impactful for couples trying to deal with the fallout of sex addiction. Trying to grapple with addiction head-on can be challenging, and many couples have trouble addressing underlying addiction issues. EFT opens up space for honest conversations about sex addiction.
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Our Background In Emotionally Focused Therapy
Tal and Teresa completed an EFT externship in 2020 with Dr. Elena Katz. In 2021, they furthered their education in this modality with Advanced Core Skills training led by Dr. Elena Katz and George Faller.
Why We Started Offering EFT
Tal discovered EFT while completing his Master’s program, and he immediately recognized the value of this approach for couples struggling with sex addiction. In working with our clients, we have found that addiction is rooted in attachment disorders. Since EFT helps couples repair and create secure emotional attachments, it is highly beneficial for couples trying to heal from the devastating impact of sex addiction.
In our practice, we regularly work with couples who desperately want to connect, but their dysfunctional dance tends to only create distance between them. The drift is painful and one partner will unwittingly begin the dysfunctional dance. They will try to engage the problem by pursuing their spouse, which appears aggressive and unsafe, or they will withdraw by suppressing their genuine emotions. Both believe they are trying to save the relationship, but both are unwittingly damaging it. Through EFT, we help couples get in touch with their emotions and feel safe expressing their needs so that they can break free from the negative cycle and heal together.