4 Ways to Engage Conflict in a Healthy Manner

Pop culture and fairy tales can leave us believing that happy couples never fight. Reality teaches us this is not the case — and it’s not a scary thing. Disagreements are inevitable. Therefore, one of your top priorities as a couple is to improve how to handle such conflict. Having a fight is not a sign of dysfunction. Being unable to handle an argument in a healthy way typically is.

The good news is that once you let go of the fantasy of a conflict-free life, you are more motivated to find productive ways to move forward. Let’s explore a few of them!

4 Ways to Engage Conflict in a Healthy Manner

1. Be Direct and Look For Causes

A conflict can escalate or fester if your approach is indirect. Yes, squabbling with your mate is uncomfortable, but resolution requires honesty and vulnerability. Take immediate steps to understand what’s going on and how there is more than one side to the story.

From that mindset, allow yourselves to see past something like not doing the dishes or taking out the garbage. What’s the underlying issue? Who has needs that aren’t being met? Unless this type of work is done, you may find yourselves having the “same fight” over and over because the root issue is not being addressed.

2. Respect

It doesn’t get more basic than this. Never allow yourself to start insulting each other. There is no reason to raise your voice or become threatening in any way. What you need most of all is open communication. Without mutual respect, this is virtually impossible. In calm times, it helps to have a discussion in advance of any conflict. Set boundaries and pledge together to respect each other’s lines in the sand.

One of the time-proven steps to consider is using I-statements. Things tend to go smoother if you avoid lines like, “You always make me so frustrated.” Replace that with the simple declaration, “I feel frustrated.” It’s less confrontational and reduces the odds that your partner will get defensive.

3. Don’t Compete

When disagreeing with your lover, the goal is never to “win.” They are not a competition, and this is not a contest. Sure, you’re allowed to be angry, frustrated, or disappointed. But the only way out is win-win. Look for compromises and pathways that promote a sense of accomplishment when all is said and done.

In addition, accept the reality that not everything is worthy of a fight. Sometimes, the best choice is to agree to disagree. There is nothing wrong with you and your partner not always seeing things the same way. Of course, you’ll have to work together when it comes to deciding which topics require discussion — no matter how intense.

4. Take Responsibility

Everyone messed up from time to time. If a disagreement makes you realize that you’ve made an error in judgment, own up to it. Apologize authentically and ask for forgiveness. This is the fastest and most satisfying to resolve a difference. In a broader sense, every situation allows both partners to be reminded that they’ve played a role in the conflict. You’re a team, and rarely do issues pop up in a vacuum.

Communication is Your Foundation

You can’t protect yourselves from any problems. What you can do is commit to the ongoing project of becoming better communicators. This work is perhaps best accomplished in the presence of a skilled and unbiased guide. That’s why so many couples commit to therapy together. Your weekly sessions are like a safe workshop where you can take steps toward healthy conflict resolution. If you feel you and your partner could use such support, I invite you to reach out soon!