Why Your Attachment Style Might Be Behind Your Relationship Sabotage
Attachment styles form early in your childhood. They’re typically based on the bond you had with your parents or caregiver. Ideally, everyone would have a secure attachment style, but that isn’t always the case.
Unfortunately, for those who grew up without a secure attachment style, you might struggle in your relationships as an adult.
You might even sabotage them without really realizing it or understanding why.
With that in mind, let’s take a closer look at why your attachment style might be behind your relationship sabotage, and what you can do to change things for the better.
Understanding Attachment Styles
There are four main attachment styles, but not everyone fits neatly into one. Depending on the circumstances in which you were raised, you might have a bit of two or three styles. The good news? They aren’t necessarily permanent.
Attachment styles are learned from an early age. While it can be harder to “break” them and learn a new one as an adult, it’s not impossible.
The four main attachment styles are:
Anxious
Avoidant
Disorganized
Secure
An anxious attachment style typically means you have a negative view of yourself and a positive view of others. You might struggle with low self-esteem, and you constantly seek validation and support in your relationships. You also likely fear abandonment, so you seek attachment however you can.
Avoidant attachment styles create self-sufficient people. That might not seem like a bad thing. But it can lead to a fear of intimacy, and you might even try to shove down your true emotions or disregard them because you don’t want to get too close to someone.
The disorganized attachment style is also often referred to as a fearful-avoidant style. People with this style might want a healthy relationship, but they’re afraid of getting hurt. That can lead to trust issues in the relationship and might make it hard for that person to get close to their partner.
A secure attachment style is the healthiest style for just about any relationship. You feel confident in who you are, but you’re also able to bond with a partner. You have healthy communication habits, and you can be there for your partner or rely on them with healthy boundaries in place.
Recognizing Your Attachment Style
Being able to better understand your attachment style will make it easier to determine how it’s impacting your relationship. There are a few common symptoms for each style.
For example, if you’re anxious, you might struggle with jealousy or trust issues because you’re so worried your partner will leave you.
If you are avoidant, your relationship might suffer because you’re afraid of things getting too serious.
Having a disorganized attachment style can often result in unpredictable behavior, creating chaos within your relationship and potentially confusing your partner with your emotional and physical actions.
What Can You Do?
As you might expect, a secure attachment style is the healthiest for a relationship. It strikes a strong balance between give and take, and partners in this kind of relationship typically know how to communicate effectively.
But, the other styles can do more harm than good. Thankfully, as stated above, you don’t necessarily have to live with one attachment style forever. If you feel like you’re avoidant, anxious, or disorganized, and it is impacting your relationship, consider reaching out for individual or couples therapy help.
You’ve already taken the first step. Recognizing your own attachment style will make you more in-tune with why certain thoughts and behaviors are unhealthy. The next step is to understand where that style stems from, even if it means going all the way back to childhood.
A therapist can help you on that journey, and can provide you with actionable advice to shift your style and strengthen your relationship. If you’re feeling stuck in your current style and you’re worried about the health of your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out for more information.