Am I Suffering From Betrayal Trauma Or Codependency: Does It Matter? Who Can Help?
Navigating a difficult relationship with a partner who struggles with addiction or infidelity can be overwhelming and confusing. It's common to feel lost amidst the various terms and definitions surrounding the emotional trauma that has surfaced in your relationship. You may have heard that you are suffering from betrayal trauma or possibly that you are codependent. These terms are sometimes used interchangeably, even though they refer to distinct psychological and emotional experiences. Does it matter which it is?
What is Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal trauma is the trauma that arises from experiencing a significant betrayal by a loved one. It involves feelings of shock, anger, sadness, and grief, and can result in symptoms like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Betrayal trauma is characterized by an intentional or unintentional breaking of important relationship boundaries, such as lying, cheating, or hiding a substance abuse disorder.
What is Codependency?
On the other hand, codependency refers to a pattern of behavior in which a person prioritizes the needs and wants of their partner over their own, often to the point of neglecting their own well-being. Codependent individuals tend to form relationships with individuals who struggle with addiction or problematic behavior, and they often feel the need to protect and enable their partners despite the negative impact on themselves.
Can It Be Both?
While codependency and betrayal trauma are separate experiences, they can often co-occur in difficult relationships. A partner's addiction can trigger a codependent response in their significant other, which can exacerbate the effects of betrayal trauma. Inversely, a significant betrayal by a partner can cause the other person to seem codependent as they attempt to regain control over the relationship by pleasing or controlling their partner. Barb Steffens, the founder of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS), states,
"Partners do what trauma survivors do. They seek what they cannot find: Safety in an unsafe situation."
This is important to consider as you consider your individual recovery work and couples work.
Right Diagnosis | Right Treatment | Right Outcome
Wrong Diagnosis | Wrong Treatment | Wrong Outcome
It is important to recognize the distinction between betrayal trauma and codependency, as doing so allows those impacted by difficult relationships to seek appropriate therapeutic care. Those who have experienced betrayal trauma may benefit from therapy that addresses PTSD or anxiety disorders, while those struggling with codependency can benefit from therapy that emphasizes self-care and boundary-setting.
Where To Start?
We always start with the trauma and helping partners stabilize and create safety to navigate the debris field that is infidelity. We follow the Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model (APSATS) to create safety, allow for grief and trauma repair in the relationship, and ultimately reconnect and build towards access to one another and intimacy that far exceeds what was in the relationship before. It is important to add here that even if you are not still in the relationship where the betrayal occurred, relational damage requires relational healing and there is a way forward for you that builds towards wise trust, healing, and post-traumatic growth.
Who Can Help?
As with any complex issue, it's important to seek help if you or a loved one are experiencing these difficulties. Our team of compassionate therapists is here to help you navigate the complexities of difficult relationships with empathy and professionalism. Everyone on our team holds specialized training and certifications in addiction and/or partner betrayal and trauma. Remember, you are not alone. We are here to help you recover, heal, and ultimately thrive. Reach out today to schedule an appointment or get information about one of our partner groups.