let’s talk with Teresa | The WHY, WHERE, WHEN, WHAT & HOW of a Fight
That is a mouthful for a title, right? It is also a lot to absorb in a way that we can actually do something with it all. Look at it this way – if you just concentrate on one of those questions, you can really improve your relationship!
Couples and conflict go together, as Forrest Gump said, “like peas and carrots.” Some conflicts are on the surface and obvious, and others are subtle and seemingly silent.
We like to slow things down so that we can really learn the WHY, WHERE, WHEN, WHAT & HOW of conflict.
When asking couples about their fights, I most often hear one of two things- Which fight do you want us to start with? There are plenty! OR We don’t really fight. We pretty much get along. Some couples come in simply wanting to improve their communication because something just feels off – they can tell they are missing each other. Others are reeling from betrayal and infidelity and trying to decide whether or not to stay together.
We like to slow things down so that we can really learn the WHY, WHERE, WHEN, WHAT & most importantly, the HOW of conflict.
Why Of the Fight?
There are countless daily opportunities for couples to miss each other and for a fight or distance in the relationship to ensue. Why a couple fights has a lot to do with each partner’s state of mind individually and collectively! We work with each partner and the couple to identify what set them up to get into conflict. The true why of a fight is not always easily seen on the surface. We slow it down and make it safe in couples' work to hear the perspective of each partner and consider thewhy of the fight!
Where Is the Fight?
Where a couple fight has a lot to do with each of their triggers. We work with each partner and the couple to identify what triggered a big reaction. Fights can ignite anywhere and everywhere. We help couples mindfully consider the where of their fights.
When Is the Fight?
On that same note, when a couple fights can be any time of the day or night. The timing is more about when the trigger hits and can also be heavily influenced by one or both partners’ state of mind. We work with couples to consider what set each of them up for miscommunication or conflict. This helps couples plan for when they fight. I can’t tell you how often couples get into a fight just before coming in for a counseling session.
What Are You Fighting About?
The what that couples are fighting about is rarely evident in the conflict at hand. Most couples interact with secondary emotions ranging most often from anger to withdrawal. We tell couples that there are 3000+ conflicts that go on above the surface when their primary wants, needs, and emotions stay hidden under the surface. We work with couples to identify their negative cycle and better understand the what of their fights. We like to say that no one is fighting about what they think they are fighting about.
MOST IMPORTANT IS HOW YOU REPAIR!
How Are You Repairing the Fight?
Doing couples and family work, we often hear that fights just blow over or we chose just to move on. It makes sense that this happens when a couple does not have the tools and training to navigate the conflict.
“In a healthy relationship, every conflict offers an opportunity for a deeper understanding of each other. Building a happy, healthy relationship is hard work and requires growth from both partners. At times, this can mean processing difficult events and tolerating discomfort. Stay curious and remember it’s not what you fight about that matters, but how you repair and move forward together. ”
You can navigate conflict in your relationship in a way that you are heard and more fully known and that you are able to hear and better know your partner. If you need help doing this, contact us to schedule couples therapy and work with one of our therapists to discover opportunities to connect. All of our therapists working with couples are trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy and are able to give a connection assessment and provide resources to improve communication and connection in your relationship.