Criticism: When Complaints Turn into Attacks—and How to Start Up Gently
Part 1 of the Four Horsemen Series
Criticism is the first of the Four Horsemen—and one of the most common. If you’ve ever caught yourself saying, “You always…” or “Why can’t you ever…,” you’ve probably felt the sting of criticism rising up in the heat of frustration. And if you’ve been on the receiving end, you know how quickly it can shut down connection.
Criticism doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. But if left unchecked, it becomes the first step in a negative cycle of blame, defensiveness, and emotional distance. The good news? You can learn how to express your needs without attacking—and that shift can change the entire tone of your relationship.
What Is Criticism, Really?
Criticism goes beyond naming a problem. It assigns blame to your partner’s character or personality. It’s not just “We’re always late,” but “You’re so irresponsible.” Instead of naming a need, it frames the other person as the problem.
Here’s what it might sound like in a relationship:
“You never help around the house. You’re just lazy.”
“Why do you always forget the important things?”
“You’re so selfish. You only care about yourself.”
Over time, criticism sends the message: “You’re defective.” That’s not exactly a recipe for safe, productive dialogue.
In Gottman research, criticism is often the opening move in a downward spiral—followed closely by defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
What’s Behind the Criticism?
Most of the time, criticism is a misfired need. You’re trying to get help, be understood, or express hurt—but it comes out in a way that puts your partner on the defensive. You may feel vulnerable or alone underneath the anger, but it gets buried under sharp words.
When you learn to pause and get curious about what you’re really feeling, it becomes easier to speak in a way your partner can actually hear.
The Antidote to Criticism: A Gentle Start-Up
Dr. John Gottman’s research found that 96% of the time, the way a conversation starts determines how it will end. When you lead with harshness, you usually get harshness back. But when you lead with softness and clarity, you create a doorway to connection.
Use the Gottman Softened Start-Up Formula:
“I feel ___ about ___ and I need ___.”
This formula helps you express your emotions and needs without blame.
Examples:
“I feel hurt about how the conversation went earlier, and I need us to slow down and really listen to each other.”
“I feel anxious about how we’re handling our finances, and I need us to sit down and make a plan together.”
Other Gentle Start-Up Tips:
Use “I” statements to stay anchored in your own experience.
Describe what’s happening, not what’s wrong with your partner.
State a positive need—what you want more of, rather than what you want less of.
It’s a small shift in words—but a big shift in energy.
From Blame to Invitation
When you start gently, you’re not letting go of your needs. You’re making them easier to meet. You’re inviting your partner into a conversation instead of pushing them into a corner.
This doesn’t mean you have to sugarcoat your feelings or pretend everything’s okay. It means slowing down enough to speak with intention—and remembering that your goal isn’t just to win the argument. It’s to strengthen the relationship.
Try This at Home
Here’s a simple exercise:
The next time you feel criticism bubbling up, pause. Ask yourself:
What am I really feeling right now?
What do I need that I haven’t said out loud?
How can I say that in a way that invites my partner closer?
Then try using the softened start-up formula: “I feel ___ about ___ and I need ___.”
Keep it simple. Keep it real. You’re not trying to be perfect—you’re trying to stay connected.
You Don’t Have to Be Harsh to Be Heard
Criticism often comes from a place of frustration, fear, or feeling alone. But it rarely leads to being understood. A gentle start-up, on the other hand, opens the door to repair.
This is where real change begins—not in the intensity of the argument, but in the courage to approach each other with kindness, even when it’s hard.
Ready to Practice a Better Way to Communicate?
Our couples therapists are trained in the Gottman Method and can help you replace criticism with connection. If you’re tired of the same fights and want to find a better way forward, we’d love to walk with you.