Contempt: The Most Dangerous Horseman and How to Build Appreciation and Speak from Within

Part 2 of the Four Horsemen Series

If there’s one pattern that predicts the end of a relationship more than any other, it’s this one: contempt. Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that contempt isn’t just painful—it’s toxic. It creates emotional injury, erodes trust, and poisons the foundation of any partnership. It’s the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen because it conveys something deeper than frustration. It says, “I’m better than you.”

And yet, it’s also more common than we’d like to admit—especially when resentment has built up over time. The good news is that with intention and practice, contempt can be replaced. There is a way to shift the tone of your relationship from contemptuous to connected—and it starts with appreciation and ownership.

What Contempt Sounds and Looks Like

Contempt shows up when partners stop giving each other the benefit of the doubt. It comes out as mockery, sarcasm, name-calling, and non-verbal cues like eye-rolling or scoffing. It’s the moment your tone turns sharp and your words are laced with superiority.

Examples include:

• “You’re such a child—grow up already.”

• “Oh, of course you forgot. How shocking.”

• “Wow, must be nice to live in your little fantasy world.”

Contempt is often a slow burn. It grows when small hurts or unspoken needs pile up and never get repaired. Over time, one or both partners stop seeing each other as allies—and start seeing each other as the problem.

Why Contempt Hurts So Deeply

Unlike criticism, which targets a specific behavior, contempt targets the person. It communicates disgust and disdain. This doesn’t just hurt emotionally—it takes a physical toll. Research has linked contempt to increased stress, weakened immune functioning, and even illness.

More than any other Horseman, contempt creates an emotional environment that is unsafe and unreceptive to repair. When contempt is present, the door to connection slams shut.

The Antidote to Contempt: Appreciation + Describing Yourself

There are two powerful practices that begin to dismantle contempt and rebuild safety:

1. Build a Culture of Appreciation

The best way to combat contempt is to shift the emotional tone of your relationship. Instead of scanning for what your partner is doing wrong, train yourself to notice what they’re doing right. Gratitude is the antidote to resentment.

Start by expressing appreciation regularly—even for small things:

• “Thank you for making coffee this morning.”

• “I noticed how patient you were with the kids—that meant a lot.”

• “I appreciate how hard you’re working right now.”

These moments may seem small, but they’re powerful. They help re-humanize your partner and interrupt the habit of focusing on flaws.

2. Describe Your Feelings and Needs, Not Their Flaws

When you’re upset, it’s easy to go on the offensive. But instead of telling your partner what’s wrong with them, turn inward and speak from your experience.

Try using the softened start-up formula here too: “I feel ___ about ___ and I need ___.”

For example:

• Instead of: “You’re so selfish.”

• Try: “I feel alone in making decisions about our weekend, and I need us to plan together.”

This shift reduces blame and increases your partner’s ability to hear and respond with care.

From Resentment to Repair

Contempt is often a signal that something hasn’t been addressed for a long time. If you find yourself thinking or saying contemptuous things, it may be time to ask:

• What have I been holding in?

• Where do I feel unacknowledged or unseen?

• What might I need that I’ve stopped asking for?

Then, instead of letting those thoughts turn to poison, let them become a cue to speak from within and reconnect.

Try This at Home

Choose one moment each day this week to express appreciation to your partner. It doesn’t have to be elaborate—just sincere.

You might say:

• “I love the way you make me laugh, even on hard days.”

• “I know I haven’t said it lately, but I really appreciate all you do.”

Then, the next time you feel contempt bubbling up, pause and use this sentence: “I feel ___ about ___ and I need ___.”
It may feel awkward at first—but it opens the door to a very different kind of conversation.

There Is Another Way

Contempt can feel like a wall between you and your partner—but walls can come down. With guidance, practice, and a shift toward appreciation, your relationship can begin to feel safer, kinder, and more connected again.

Want to Shift the Tone of Your Relationship?

If criticism and contempt have crept into your communication, we’re here to help. Our Gottman-trained couples therapists can guide you in creating a culture of appreciation and emotional safety. Schedule a session with us to begin the change.