let's talk with Teresa | Collaborative Conversations
Working with couples, individuals, and parents with their teens, I teach and talk about collaborative conversations daily! So much works against our ability to communicate deeply and effectively. What we intend to communicate and how we share can get off track in an instant.
What gets in the way?
EMOTIONAL FLOODING
THE FOUR HORSEMEN
REACTING versus RESPONDING
NONVERBALS OVER VERBAL LANGUAGE
LACK OF TIME
LACK OF SKILL
among others….
There is a sneak peek of future "let's talk Tuesday" posts!
It is hard for me to type "lack of skill" because I sit with very skilled and articulate individuals and couples daily; YET, the relational component of communication is a HUGE variable in how skillfully we are able to have our conversations!
We are working to create communication that is collaborative over communication that simply seeks compliance.
Why does this matter?
Often, individuals agree to something just to put an end to an uncomfortable situation or discussion. However, if they are saying YES with their mouth and meaning NO with their heart, there is a distance created under the surface of the relationship. If we have all of someone's behavior but are losing their heart, the relationship is taking on damage.
Drs. Carrere and Gottman found that the first three minutes of a conflict discussion were key in determining whether the conflict would end with a successful or stressful outcome! Dr. Gottman said, "The biggest lesson to be learned from this study is that the way couples begin a discussion about a problem- how you present an issue and how your partner responds to you- is absolutely critical." ¹
How do I try something different?
I searched for feedback tools for my therapy groups and landed on "The secret to giving great feedback | The Way We Work, a TED series," by LeeAnn Renniger. She stated, "the tool we most need is being able to give and receive feedback well." I immediately began applying the four steps in my life and sharing them with my clients shortly after.
Start by giving feedback that is "brain-friendly." If the feedback is indirect and soft, the brain doesn't know that it is supposed to be paying attention and taking in the feedback, OR it is received as confusing. If the feedback is too direct, the person receiving the feedback will likely get defensive.
FOUR-PART FORMULA FOR GIVING FEEDBACK WELL &
HAVING A COLLABORATIVE CONVERSATION
step one | MICRO-YES
“Do you have 5 minutes to talk about ______________?”
OR
“I have some ideas for ______________, can I share them with you?”
Let the other person's brain choose to focus and listen to you! This step creates pacing and allows buy-in. Just because I have something to say does not mean the other person must stop and listen to me. To ask and give the other person a choice is a beautiful start to a collaborative conversation!
step two | SHARE SPECIFICALLY WHAT YOU SAW OR HEARD
Like a reporter, you will set the scene you are talking about. Use specifics! I tell clients that I should be able to imagine what they are describing without ever having been there. If using this for positive feedback, it is helpful to be specific and clear, so they know what it is that you appreciate and want to increase! If using this for negative feedback, it is important to know specifically what you want to talk about and consider changing or modifying in the future.
Watch out for blur words! "A blur word is something that can mean different things to different people."
a POSITIVE FEEDBACK example of something you saw (a clean house)
blurry example: You're so helpful.
clear example: When I saw that you picked up the house while I was gone at work AND there had been so many dishes on the counter and so much clutter around the house. It looks like you worked hard cleaning today.
a POSITIVE FEEDBACK example of something you heard (family matters)
blurry example: You're so thoughtful.
clear example: When I heard you say that nothing is more important than our family and that you would go in to work early tomorrow so that you could take a long lunch today to surprise our daughter at school for her birthday. I saw how important it is to you to be a part of the big and little parts of family life!
make a special note of "when I saw" & "when I heard you say"
always replace: You said ________ or You ________ (finger pointing)
(this will be helpful when we use this for negative feedback next!)
a NEGATIVE FEEDBACK example of something you saw (coming home late)
blurry example: You're not trustworthy.
clear example: You said you would be home by 7:00 p.m. and then did not get home until 9:00 p.m. without calling or texting to let me know you would be late.
a NEGATIVE FEEDBACK example of something you heard (harsh words)
blurry example: You are disrespectful.
clear example: When we were talking with our daughter, and I tried to share my thoughts about Suzy staying out past curfew, I heard you say that my opinion wasn't helping.
step three | IMPACT STATEMENT
Share the impact on you or the relationship. It helps the other person to understand why you are taking the time to share this. If used for positive feedback, it allows them time to take it in through your eyes how they have positively impacted you. If used for negative feedback, it provides time to reflect back and then now consider how it affected you and what they may be willing to change or discuss. Going back to our examples above:
a POSITIVE FEEDBACK example of something you saw (a clean house)
impact: I came home so tired and felt so peaceful seeing that my long to-do list was cleared because of your hard work and help!
a POSITIVE FEEDBACK example of something you heard (family matters)
impact: I feel so connected to you, especially as we parent together so intentionally. I know I could have gone for both of us, but having you there with me felt nice!
a NEGATIVE FEEDBACK example of something you saw (coming home late)
impact: navigating betrayal has shattered trust. I know we are working to rebuild trust, and it helps when words and actions line up. When I expected you home at 7:00 and did not hear from you, I felt disrespected and like we were not making good progress together.
a NEGATIVE FEEDBACK example of something you heard (harsh words)
impact: I felt disrespected and distant from you at that moment.
step four | ASK A COLLABORATIVE QUESTION
The final part is to ask a question!
How do you see it?
What options do you think we have?
What are your thoughts?
This question is where we invite a collaborative conversation and create the opportunity for commitment over just compliance.
When & Where do I do this?
Anywhere and Everywhere! The four-part formula for collaborative conversations is not limited to couples' work! I role-play with individuals each week how to consider new and different conversations. It may feel structured initially, but this feedback becomes natural and can effectively improve the first three minutes of a conflict discussion! The nice part is that it is also effective in really allowing a compliment to be experienced and appreciated more fully!
If you want to improve your collaborative communication skills, we have therapists to help. Contact us here or email to schedule an appointment.
¹ Carrere, S., & Gottman, J.M., (1999). Predicting Divorce among Newlyweds from the First Three Minutes of a Marital Conflict Discussion, Family Process, Vol. 38(3), 293-301