Are We Secure? How to Know If Your Relationship Has a Strong Foundation
Couples often come into therapy asking, “How do we know if our relationship is actually secure?” It’s a great question—and an important one. You can have deep love and still feel uncertain, stuck in patterns that make you question whether you're really on the same team.
That’s where the concept of secure functioning comes in, a term developed by Stan Tatkin, PsyD. Secure functioning doesn’t mean you never argue or that things are always smooth—it means both partners are committed to fairness, emotional safety, and protecting each other above all else.
Let’s take a look at what that actually looks like and explore a checklist you can use to reflect on your relationship’s current health.
What Is Secure Functioning?
A securely functioning relationship is one where both partners agree to put the relationship first. That doesn’t mean you lose your individuality—it means you both prioritize the we over just the me.
When a couple is secure in their functioning:
They protect each other both publicly and privately.
They’re honest and transparent with each other—even when it’s uncomfortable.
They treat each other with fairness, kindness, and emotional sensitivity.
They repair conflicts quickly and take responsibility for their role in misunderstandings.
They work toward win/win outcomes and avoid power struggles.
They respond to each other’s needs with care and consistency.
These aren’t abstract ideals—they’re daily commitments that shape how safe and connected the relationship feels over time.
The Secure Functioning Checklist
Adapted from the work of Stan Tatkin, PsyD
Use the checklist below to reflect on how secure your relationship feels right now. You can rate each statement as Never, Rarely, Sometimes, Often, or Always—and check MORE if you'd like to experience more of that item in your relationship.
✅ Secure Functioning Checklist:
I put our relationship first, above all other interests. ☐ MORE
My partner puts our relationship first, above all other interests. ☐ MORE
I am fully transparent with my partner—I tell them everything. ☐ MORE
My partner is fully transparent with me—they tell me everything. ☐ MORE
I treat my partner in a way that is fair, just, and sensitive. ☐ MORE
My partner treats me in a way that is fair, just, and sensitive. ☐ MORE
We share equal power and authority in our relationship. ☐ MORE
I repair misunderstandings and emotional injuries quickly (within one hour). ☐ MORE
My partner repairs misunderstandings and emotional injuries quickly (within one hour). ☐ MORE
I protect my partner in public and private—I have their back. ☐ MORE
My partner protects me in public and private—they have my back. ☐ MORE
I know how to handle my partner without using fear, threat, or guilt. ☐ MORE
My partner knows how to handle me without using fear, threat, or guilt. ☐ MORE
I seek win/win outcomes and practice radical generosity in our relationship. ☐ MORE
My partner seeks win/win outcomes and practices radical generosity with me. ☐ MORE
I pay close attention to my partner’s facial, vocal, and body cues in a way that’s helpful. ☐ MORE
My partner pays close attention to my facial, vocal, and body cues in a way that’s helpful. ☐ MORE
I include my partner in decisions that affect them and don’t act without getting their buy-in. ☐ MORE
My partner includes me in decisions that affect me and doesn’t act until I’m fully on board. ☐ MORE
I drop what I’m doing and show up if my partner is in distress. ☐ MORE
My partner drops what they’re doing and shows up if I’m in distress. ☐ MORE
My commitment to my partner is unwavering—not dependent on my mood or stress. ☐ MORE
My partner’s commitment to me is unwavering—not dependent on their mood or stress. ☐ MORE
I respond to my partner’s bids for play, fun, and connection in a couple-enhancing way. ☐ MORE
My partner responds to my bids for play, fun, and connection in a couple-enhancing way. ☐ MORE
What to Do With Your Results
You might find yourself nodding yes to many of these—and noticing some that feel a little tender or uncertain. That’s okay. The goal here isn’t perfection; it’s awareness. If you both value secure functioning, then the next step is simply to grow in that direction, together.
Try this: Choose three items from the checklist where you’d like to see “MORE” and talk with your partner about how you could start practicing those behaviors more consistently.
Remember, secure functioning is a skillset. It’s something you build, not something you either have or don’t.
Want Help Becoming a More Secure Couple?
You don’t have to figure this out on your own. If you’d like guidance in building a secure functioning relationship, we’d love to walk alongside you. Our therapists are trained to help couples shift from disconnection into deeper trust, safety, and mutual care.
Schedule a session today to begin building a stronger foundation for your relationship.