Balancing Assertiveness and Connection: A DBT-Inspired Tool for Couples
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck between standing up for what you need and wanting to keep the peace in your relationship, you’re not alone. Many couples wrestle with the tension between asserting boundaries and nurturing connection—especially during emotional or high-stakes conversations. It can feel like you have to choose: either ask for what you need or avoid rocking the boat.
But the truth is, the strongest relationships make room for both. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), we practice holding two truths at once—what’s called a dialectic. And one powerful way couples can do this is by blending three essential interpersonal skills: DEAR MAN (to ask for what you need), GIVE (to nurture the relationship), and FAST (to stay anchored in your self-respect and values).
When used together, these skills help you bring your whole self into your relationship: clear, connected, and grounded.
FAST: The Core You Bring Into the Room
Before we even ask for change or navigate conflict, we need to know who we are and what we stand for. FAST is the skill that helps you do just that. It guides you to be:
Fair to both yourself and others
Avoid Apologies that aren’t needed (like apologizing for your feelings or for existing)
Stick to your values—knowing what matters and choosing behavior that aligns
Stay Truthful and accountable—because living with integrity builds lasting self-respect
FAST isn’t about being rigid or self-protective. It’s about being anchored—so that you’re not tossed around by every conflict or emotion. When you’re grounded in FAST, you can speak up without over-explaining, hold boundaries without guilt, and show up with calm confidence.
DEAR MAN + GIVE: Speaking Clearly and Staying Close
Once you're rooted in FAST, you can use DEAR MAN to communicate your needs clearly:
Describe the situation
Express your feelings
Assert your needs or boundaries
Reinforce why it matters
(with Mindfulness, Appearing confident, and Negotiating as needed)
At the same time, GIVE helps you maintain emotional safety in the relationship:
Genuine tone and presence
Interested body language and attention
Validate your partner’s experience
Easy manner to soften intensity
Used together, DEAR MAN + GIVE sounds like this:
“I’ve noticed we haven’t had much one-on-one time lately (Describe). I feel sad and a little disconnected (Express). I’d like us to plan one night each week just for the two of us (Assert). I think it would help us feel more connected again (Reinforce).”
“I know you’ve been under a lot of pressure, and I’m not trying to add stress—I just miss feeling close with you.” (GIVE: tone, validation, ease)
This approach allows you to say: “I matter, and you matter too.”
How to Work the Dialectic
To find your interpersonal balance, especially in emotionally charged moments, try asking yourself three simple questions:
What does the other person need in this interaction? (This is your GIVE skill.)
What do I need in this interaction? (That’s where DEAR MAN comes in.)
What will help me build or maintain self-respect in this moment? (That’s your FAST anchor.)
When you check in with these three parts, you’ll begin to find clarity. Your response won’t just be a reaction—it will be a conscious, skillful choice. And over time, this leads to more authentic and resilient connection.
A Simple Exercise to Try Together
Here’s a practice you can try with your partner. Set aside 10–15 minutes when you’re both calm and not rushed. Take turns sharing a need, using DEAR MAN, GIVE, and grounding yourself in FAST.
Step 1: Pause and reflect on what matters most to you (FAST)
Step 2: Clearly express your need (DEAR MAN)
Step 3: Use warmth, validation, and openness in how you say it (GIVE)
You might say something like:
“It’s really important to me that we’re intentional with our time (FAST). I feel disconnected lately, and I’d like us to try putting our phones away after dinner (DEAR MAN). I know we’re both tired at the end of the day—I’m not judging that. I just really miss you and want to be close (GIVE).”
Then switch roles so both of you practice being the speaker and listener.
Why This Matters
Healthy relationships aren’t built by being “right” or by winning every negotiation. They’re built by learning how to show up as your true self—clear about your needs, open to your partner’s experience, and grounded in your values.
It’s a balance of give and take, of standing firm and staying soft. That balance—when practiced consistently—builds trust, intimacy, and mutual respect.
If you and your partner want help learning how to apply these skills in real life, our therapists are here to guide you. Schedule a session today and start building the kind of connection where both of you can be fully seen and supported.