Caught in the Middle: When a Parent Feels Torn Between Their Child and Their Spouse
One of the most difficult challenges in a marriage is feeling caught between the two people you love the most—your child and your spouse. When a parent is torn between supporting their partner and protecting their child, it can feel like an impossible choice. These loyalty binds can create resentment, emotional distance, and ongoing conflict if they are not addressed with care.
If you’ve ever found yourself defending your child from your spouse or feeling like your partner doesn’t have your back when it comes to parenting, you’re not alone. These situations are incredibly common, but they don’t have to break your family apart. Let’s explore how these binds happen, their emotional impact, and how you and your partner can find a way forward together.
What Is a Loyalty Bind?
A loyalty bind occurs when a parent feels emotionally pulled between their spouse and their child, struggling to support one without betraying the other. This often happens when parenting styles clash, when one parent feels the other is too harsh or too lenient, or when a child senses division and unknowingly (or knowingly) plays one parent against the other.
Common Loyalty Bind Scenarios
The Protector Parent – One parent feels their spouse is too strict, stepping in to soften punishments or override discipline. The spouse, in turn, feels undermined and disrespected.
The “You Always Take Their Side” Conflict – A child and parent frequently argue, and the other parent consistently steps in to defend the child, making the first parent feel ganged up on.
The “I Feel Like the Outsider” Dynamic – A parent has a particularly close bond with a child, leaving the other parent feeling like an outsider in their own family.
The Disciplinary Divide – One parent believes in enforcing rules and structure, while the other takes a more relaxed, nurturing approach. This creates constant tension over how to handle consequences.
Why Loyalty Binds Hurt a Marriage
When these patterns continue, they can drive a wedge between partners, leading to:
Resentment – The parent who feels unsupported may pull away emotionally.
Parental Role Struggles – The child learns to go to the "softer" parent for a better outcome, creating inconsistent discipline.
Insecurity in the Marriage – One or both partners may feel like they are not prioritized or valued.
While a child’s needs are always important, a strong and united marriage is what gives children the greatest sense of security. When loyalty binds go unaddressed, both the marriage and the child’s development can suffer.
How to Break the Loyalty Bind: Strengthening Your Partnership
The goal isn’t to choose between your child and your spouse—it’s to create a healthy family structure where no one feels alone or unheard. Here’s how couples can navigate this challenge together.
1. Present a United Front
Children thrive when they see their parents working as a team. Even if you don’t initially agree on a decision, it’s important to talk privately and decide together before presenting the plan to your child.
Instead of correcting your spouse in front of your child, say, "Let's talk about this later and figure out what makes sense together."
Even if you don’t fully agree, avoid contradicting your spouse in the moment. You can revisit the conversation later.
2. Recognize When Your Child is Testing the Divide
Kids, even unintentionally, can sense when parents aren’t aligned and may use this to their advantage. If your child regularly runs to one parent after a disagreement, it’s a sign that the two of you need to reinforce your partnership.
Try saying:
"I understand you're upset. Mom and I will talk about it together and let you know our decision."
This sends a clear message that decisions are made as a team.
3. Find Middle Ground in Parenting Styles
Many loyalty binds stem from clashing discipline approaches. One parent may feel like they are always the "bad cop" while the other plays the role of the "rescuer."
If one parent tends to be more lenient, work on enforcing agreed-upon boundaries.
If one parent tends to be stricter, work on listening to the emotions behind behaviors rather than focusing solely on punishment.
Consider a parenting check-in each week to discuss what’s working and what’s not.
4. Show Each Other Public Support
Children need to see their parents respecting each other even when they disagree. If your spouse enforces a consequence you don’t agree with, avoid stepping in immediately.
Instead of:
"That’s too much—I don’t think they deserve that!"
Try:
"I hear that this is important to you. Let’s talk later and decide how we can handle this together."
This builds trust and mutual respect, reinforcing that neither parent is alone in decision-making.
5. Prioritize Your Marriage
It’s easy to put all of your emotional energy into parenting, especially when emotions are high. But your relationship is the foundation of your family.
Schedule couple time that isn’t focused on the kids.
Practice gratitude by acknowledging what your partner does well in parenting.
Rebuild connection through shared activities that strengthen your bond.
6. Seek Support if the Pattern Continues
If loyalty binds are driving a wedge between you and your partner, therapy can help you:
Understand why these conflicts are happening.
Learn tools to communicate without defensiveness.
Develop healthy, consistent parenting strategies that work for both of you.
Loyalty binds don’t mean one parent is right and the other is wrong. They are a signal that deeper conversations about values, parenting roles, and relationship priorities need to happen.
Moving Forward Together
Feeling caught between your child and your spouse is painful, but it doesn’t have to damage your relationship. When partners stand together, children learn respect, consistency, and the security of a loving home.
If you and your partner struggle with feeling divided over parenting, therapy can help you navigate these challenges with love, clarity, and teamwork. You don’t have to go through this alone—reach out today to build a stronger, more united family.