Why Freaking Out Doesn’t Help: How to Stay Steady When Your Marriage Is on the Line
When your marriage feels like it’s falling apart, it’s completely normal to feel like you're falling apart too. The panic. The sleepless nights. The endless spirals of “what if?” and “what now?” But as hard as it may be, staying calm is one of the most powerful things you can do during a marital crisis.
That’s not about pretending everything is fine—it’s about not adding more chaos to an already fragile situation.
These insights come from Discernment Counseling, a short-term, structured process developed by Dr. Bill Doherty to help couples gain clarity and confidence about the future of their relationship—whether that’s reconciliation or separation. These six strategies, adapted from his work, are especially useful when you're the one who wants to save the marriage and your partner is uncertain.
Let’s walk through them.
1. Don’t Rush the Outcome
When crisis hits, it’s natural to want immediate answers. But the truth is, most marriages don’t unravel overnight—and they don’t get resolved overnight either. This takes time. Let yourself slow down. Healing, clarity, and change don’t follow a rapid timeline, no matter how badly you want them to.
2. Confide Wisely—Not Widely
It can be tempting to talk to everyone who will listen, but over-sharing can make things messier. Instead, choose one or two trusted friends who can support you without inflaming the situation. You need calm, grounded people right now—not a chorus of opinions.
3. Engage in Real Self-Care
This isn’t just bubble baths and journaling (though those can help!). Real self-care means doing the things that keep your mind and body engaged. Read a book that has nothing to do with your relationship. Go on walks. Pick up a hobby that distracts you in a good way. You need places to set down the emotional weight, even for a little while.
4. Stay Present for Your Kids
Whether your kids are young or grown, they’re likely picking up on the emotional temperature of the household. It’s common to pull back when you’re hurting—but your kids still need you. Keep routines in place. Offer reassurance. Let them feel your presence and steadiness, even as you navigate your own uncertainty.
5. Don’t Demand Clarity from a Confused Spouse
If your spouse is emotionally unsure or ambivalent, pressing them to “just say where this is going” often backfires. You may crave answers, but trying to force clarity can create even more distance. Instead, focus on managing your own emotions, and give them the space to think without pressure.
6. Remember: This Is Hard for Them Too
It might not look like it, but the person on the fence isn’t having an easy time either. Discernment Counseling is built on the understanding that both partners are in pain—just in different ways. If you can remember that your spouse is also hurting, it may soften your response and help you lead with compassion instead of fear.
“Clarity can’t be forced-
and panic won’t bring it faster.
Stay steady.
That’s your strength right now.”
When You Need Steady Guidance
These strategies don’t promise a quick fix—but they do offer something better: a way to stay grounded as you navigate one of the hardest decisions a couple can face. If you’re feeling alone in this process or unsure of how to move forward, Discernment Counseling can help.
This isn’t traditional couples therapy. It’s a space to explore the crossroads you’re standing at with the help of a trained therapist who won’t rush the outcome. If you or your spouse is unsure whether to stay or go, reach out. We’re here to help you find clarity—even if your path forward is still unfolding.