When Divorce Papers Don’t Mean It’s Over: Understanding Ambivalence in the Divorce Process

There’s a widespread assumption—by therapists, attorneys, and even friends and family—that once someone files for divorce, the decision is final. The story goes: once legal papers are filed, the only work left is how to divide assets and parent well apart.

But that’s not the full story.

In reality, many individuals entering the divorce process aren’t fully sure they want their marriage to end. In fact, research shows that ambivalence is remarkably common among people actively pursuing divorce. Just because the paperwork is in motion doesn’t mean the heart has caught up—or that all hope is gone.

Research Shows: Divorce Ambivalence Is Real

In one of the first large-scale studies exploring reconciliation attitudes during divorce, researchers Dr. Bill Doherty, Peterson, and Willoughby (2011) surveyed nearly 2,500 divorcing parents. They found that 1 in 4 believed their marriage could still be saved, and nearly 1 in 3 were open to reconciliation services.

A follow-up study by Hawkins, Willoughby, and Doherty (2012) confirmed similar findings, showing that 26% of divorcing parents still saw potential to salvage the relationship, and 33% expressed interest in help aimed at doing just that.

A third study (Doherty, Harris, and Wilde, in press) focused specifically on parents who had already filed for divorce. The data was eye-opening:

• Only two-thirds of participants said they were certain they wanted the divorce.

• The remaining one-third were either ambivalent or actively opposed to the divorce.

• Those who were uncertain showed strong interest in receiving help to save their marriage.

And this wasn’t just about people early in the process. These studies involved individuals well into the legal system—people who were already meeting with attorneys or navigating court paperwork.

The Legal Process Doesn’t Always Reflect the Emotional Process

Unpublished data from initial consultations with divorce lawyers shows a striking pattern: about 50% of clients who initiate legal proceedings are either unsure about divorcing or do not want the divorce at all.

Other post-divorce studies echo this theme of second thoughts. Hawkins and Fackrell (2009) summarize survey data showing that half of divorced individuals said they wished they had worked harder to resolve their marital issues.

Hetherington and Kelley (2002) reported that in 75% of divorced couples, at least one partner expressed regret about divorcing—even a full year after the breakup.

And in a qualitative study by Knox and Corte (2007), separated spouses reflected on their experiences with striking honesty. Many shared that the process of separation itself made them reevaluate whether it had been the right decision in the first place. Their advice to others? Slow down. Rethink. Try again before giving up.

“Just because divorce papers are filed
doesn’t mean the heart is finished hoping.”

What This Means for You or Someone You Love

If you or your spouse have filed for divorce—but you’re not completely sure about it—you’re not alone. Ambivalence doesn’t mean you’re weak, indecisive, or in denial. It means your heart still sees something worth exploring. And even if one partner is more open than the other, that thread of openness is enough to begin Discernment Counseling.

Discernment Counseling is not about convincing anyone to stay or to leave. It’s about slowing the process down long enough to make a decision from a place of clarity and confidence—not fear or confusion. It offers space for couples to explore what happened in the marriage, what each person contributed, and what a future might look like—with or without each other.

Don’t Let the Legal Clock Set the Emotional Timeline

If you’re already in the divorce process but still wondering if this has to be the end, there’s room for reflection. You don’t have to rush toward finality just because the paperwork has started. It’s okay to ask: Is there more we could understand about ourselves before making this final decision?

Support for the Road Ahead

At Insights Counseling Center, we offer Discernment Counseling to couples who are navigating this difficult middle ground. If you’re still holding even a thread of hope—or wrestling with uncertainty—reach out today. We’ll help you find your footing, whatever path you choose.