What Can You Learn from Your Attachment Type?
You may have heard the common scientific generalization, "Humans are social creatures." It's true! Without authentic and intimate social interaction, anyone’s health can take a serious toll.
We learn our first lesson in attachment as infants, but any substantial relationship in your life can affect your attachment type.
When you had childhood breakdowns, did your parents respond with patience or frustration?
In school, did your friends make jokes about your confusion or help you study for tests?
Have you tried holding hands with your partner, only for them to pull back in embarrassment instead of squeezing tight?
These opportunities to either support, ignore, attack, or blame us for our attempts to connect with others shapes the attachment we have with them. When we expect the same from other people, our attachment type rules our behavior more than we do.
Accepting and understanding your attachment type will help you catch common self-destructive behaviors, better tend to your relationships, and improve your self-esteem. You can learn what types of changes might be helpful and how to better ask for what you need.
Secure Attachment Type
This looks like trusting others with ease and instinctively seeing them in a positive light. Secure attachment feels like honestly believing that your partner notices and prioritizes your needs. You may feel safe, loved, accepted, and competent with them. You also know you can turn to them in times of need.
Preoccupied or Anxious Attachment Type
You may feel in the dark with your partner. You never quite know how they feel about you—do they like you? Do they find you annoying? Maybe you shouldn’t have said that, they got pretty quiet after you did…
You know what’s missing from this train of thought? Your thoughts, your feelings, and your perspective. Instead of having a clear view of what you want, you pay more attention to the needs of your partner. This is your brain subconsciously seeking validation and approval that it may not be used to, but desires nonetheless. That’s not a bad thing! We all deserve to feel validated.
However, without reassurance that someone is not mad at you, you might find it hard to see yourself as someone valuable and worthy of love (when in reality, you are).
Dismissive-Avoidant Type
If you read the line about how humans need close, intimate relationships to survive and thought, “Sounds unnecessary,” you probably have a dismissive-avoidant attachment type.
Connection is something all humans crave. However, you might argue, “Life is hard enough! Why bother going through the stress of being emotionally vulnerable with another person?”
You’re independent and strong. You may not see the same level of importance with relationships as others seem to.
Whether or not you’re aware of it, this attachment type typically struggles with suppressing their honest feelings out of fear of rejection. You may point out the worst in others before celebrating their strengths, as it helps you to feel less threatened by them. Remember, this is not intentional! It’s a way your brain protects you from hurt and fear.
Showing love to others may be hard for you. You may even get into trouble with your partner by saying things like, “You’re dumb” when you really mean, “You’re funny and I love you.” You might find it difficult to be emotionally vulnerable with others.
Fearful-Avoidant Type
This attachment type may accidentally (or intentionally) become dependent on their partner out of fear of their own inability to measure up. Because their attachment is based in a disbelief in the self, they may allow verbal abuse or constant critique from their partners, thinking it’s justified even if it leaves them feeling worse. You don’t want someone you care about to leave you, so you think receiving this kind of negative response without complaint is necessary in order to continue having the company you desire.
This same mindset can also cause you to avoid intimacy and hide your real feelings. You may feel like all your relationships are either too shallow and temporary, or emotionally abusive and hard to escape. But remember, you don’t have to bear the brunt of criticism or inauthenticity from partners. You deserve to love and feel loved in return.
Awareness of your behaviors and beliefs is the first step toward uncovering your attachment type. The goal in your relationships should be to make decisions based on your authentic desires and needs, not the reflexive nature of your attachment type.
To learn more about how your attachment type(s) affect your current relationships and mental health, you can work with one of our therapists through EFT. Schedule an appointment with our office today.
