Using the Values Behavior Exercise to Manage Anger and Increase Personal Choice
Anger is a natural and necessary emotion, signaling to us that something is wrong, unfair, or in need of change. However, when anger turns into automatic reactivity—shouting, withdrawing, or acting impulsively—it can damage relationships, increase stress, and leave us feeling out of control. Instead of reacting instinctively, what if you could respond to anger in a way that aligns with your values and deepens your relationships? The Values Behavior Exercise is a powerful tool to help you do just that.
Understanding the Values Behavior Exercise
The Values Behavior Exercise (download the Values Behavior Exercise here) is designed to help individuals slow down their automatic responses and consciously choose how to act in alignment with their values. Rather than being driven by the intensity of anger, this approach helps you tune into the underlying message of the emotion and take intentional action.
By practicing this exercise, you can:
Gain awareness of your anger triggers.
Identify the core values that you want to uphold in difficult situations.
Develop thoughtful responses rather than reactive ones.
Strengthen relationships by choosing actions that reflect your true intentions.
Step 1: Recognize the Message Behind Your Anger
Anger is often a secondary emotion, meaning it can stem from deeper feelings like hurt, fear, disappointment, loneliness, or a sense of injustice. Instead of letting anger dictate your response, pause and ask yourself:
What is my anger trying to tell me?
What boundary or need feels violated?
Is there another emotion beneath my anger that needs attention?
Anger Toward Yourself vs. Anger Toward Others
If you find that you are angry at yourself, it is likely that there is important information you need to heed for your personal growth and well-being. Self-directed anger often indicates unmet goals, internalized expectations, or values that feel compromised. Instead of dwelling in self-criticism, consider what lesson or adjustment needs to be made.
For example:
If you’re mad at yourself for procrastinating on an important task, the deeper issue might be fear of failure or perfectionism. Instead of berating yourself, acknowledge the fear and take a small step toward progress.
If you’re angry about a decision you regret, it may indicate a need for self-forgiveness and learning from the experience rather than remaining stuck in guilt.
When anger is directed at another person, it is often a sign that something beneath the surface needs to be communicated. We cannot truly connect with others through anger alone. However, if we can identify what is underneath the anger and express that need constructively, we shift from reactive conflict to meaningful connection.
For example:
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me!” (anger), you might say, “I feel unheard and I need to know that my thoughts matter to you.” (underlying need)
Instead of saying, “You’re so irresponsible!” (anger), you might say, “I feel overwhelmed managing everything alone and I need more support.” (underlying need)
Instead of saying, “You’re always late, and it’s so rude!” (anger), you might say, “I feel disrespected when plans aren’t followed, and I need more reliability.” (underlying need)
By shifting from expressions of anger to expressions of underlying emotions and needs, we move toward constructive conflict and healthier communication.
Step 2: Identify Your Core Values
Now, consider what values you want to uphold when you experience anger. These could include:
Respect – Responding in a way that honors both yourself and the other person.
Compassion – Seeking to understand before assuming the worst.
Honesty – Expressing your feelings without aggression.
Boundaries – Asserting your needs clearly and calmly.
Identifying your core values helps create a guide for how you want to respond in moments of anger.
Step 3: Choose a Value-Based Response
Once you’ve identified the message behind your anger and the values you want to uphold, the next step is choosing a behavior that aligns with those values. This is where you shift from reaction to intentional action.
Consider this:
Instead of yelling when feeling dismissed, you could calmly express, “I feel unheard, and I’d appreciate it if we could find a way to communicate better.”
Instead of shutting down and withdrawing, you could say, “I need some time to process my feelings before we continue this conversation.”
Instead of making accusations, you could ask, “Can you help me understand why this happened?”
These responses not only reduce conflict but also allow you to act in ways that foster connection rather than division.
Step 4: Practice and Reflect
Shifting from reactivity to choice takes practice. Each time you use the Values Behavior Exercise, reflect on:
Did my response align with my values?
How did my choice impact my emotions and the situation?
What can I improve for next time?
Over time, you’ll find that your ability to manage anger becomes stronger, and your relationships benefit from the conscious effort to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
Empower Yourself Through Choice
Anger does not have to control you. By using the Values Behavior Exercise, you can transform anger from an overpowering force into a guiding signal—one that helps you set boundaries, communicate needs, and maintain personal integrity.
If anger has been a challenge in your life, and you’d like support in navigating it more effectively, our therapists are here to help. Schedule a session with us to explore how you can develop healthier responses and strengthen your emotional well-being.
1 Living and Loving after Betrayal : How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment. (n.d.). New Harbinger Publications.