Deciding the Future of Your Relationship: How Discernment Counseling Can Help
When a marriage feels like it’s on the brink, it can be incredibly difficult to decide what to do next. Should you work on rebuilding the relationship? Should you separate and start the process of moving on? Or is it better to pause and reflect before making any big decisions? These are not easy questions to answer, and many couples find themselves stuck in limbo, unsure of how to move forward. That’s where Discernment Counseling comes in.
What is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment Counseling is a short-term, focused process designed for couples where one partner is leaning toward divorce, and the other wants to save the marriage. Unlike traditional couples therapy, the goal of Discernment Counseling isn’t to fix the relationship right away but rather to help each partner gain clarity and confidence about the next steps. Over the course of up to five sessions, couples explore three possible paths:
Path One: The couple decides to maintain the status quo, staying together without making any immediate decisions or changes.
Path Two: The couple chooses to separate and pursue divorce.
Path Three: The couple commits to couples therapy to actively work on the relationship.
This process is not about pressuring one partner to change their stance or convincing the couple to take a specific direction. Instead, it’s about creating a safe space to examine their feelings, values, and goals before taking action.
What the Research Tells Us
Research from the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project sheds light on how Discernment Counseling works in practice. In a study of 100 consecutive Discernment Counseling cases, the outcomes showed just how impactful this process can be. After completing Discernment Counseling:
48% of couples chose Path Three—they decided to commit to therapy and work on improving their relationship.
42% of couples chose Path Two—they made the decision to move toward divorce.
12% of couples chose Path One—they opted to stay in limbo, maintaining the status quo without immediate change.
When researchers followed up two years later, about 40% of the total sample were still married, suggesting that the discernment process allowed couples to make thoughtful decisions that reflected their true desires and needs.
What’s striking about these results is how balanced they are. This isn’t a process designed to push couples into one path or another—it’s a process that truly supports discernment. If nearly all couples chose therapy (Path Three), we might question why we’re even going through this process. If nearly everyone chose divorce, we might wonder why we’re not just helping people move on right away. The fact that all three paths are represented shows that this approach honors the complexity of relationships and individual circumstances.
Why Clarity Matters
In relationships, limbo can feel like the hardest place to be. When couples face major differences—such as varying levels of commitment, ongoing conflict, or betrayals of trust—it can be tempting to either rush into a decision or avoid making one altogether. Discernment Counseling offers something different: a structured opportunity to pause and reflect.
Couples often find that through this process, they uncover new insights about themselves and their partner. For some, this might mean realizing that they still have hope for the relationship and want to fight for it. For others, it might mean recognizing that separation is the best path forward for their well-being. And for a small percentage, staying on hold allows space for further reflection.
The Importance of Both Partners’ Voices
One of the unique aspects of Discernment Counseling is that it gives equal weight to both partners’ perspectives. It acknowledges the ambivalence of the partner leaning toward divorce while also validating the commitment of the partner who wants to stay. This approach reduces blame and creates an environment where both individuals can express their feelings honestly, without fear of judgment.
What Can You Expect in Discernment Counseling?
The process typically includes:
Individual and joint conversations: The counselor meets with each partner individually and together to explore their thoughts, feelings, and goals.
A focus on clarity and confidence: Rather than pushing for immediate solutions, the process emphasizes self-awareness and mutual understanding.
A time-limited structure: Discernment Counseling usually lasts for no more than five sessions, ensuring that couples don’t get stuck in an extended period of uncertainty.
By the end of the process, couples should feel more equipped to make a decision that aligns with their values and long-term goals—whether that’s working on the relationship, separating, or taking more time to reflect.
Taking the Next Step
If your relationship feels like it’s on the brink, Discernment Counseling can provide the clarity and confidence you need to move forward. Whether you choose to rebuild, separate, or pause for now, you deserve a process that respects your unique situation and allows you to make a thoughtful, informed decision.
At Insights Counseling Center, our experienced therapists are here to guide you through this process with compassion and care. If you’d like to learn more about Discernment Counseling or schedule your first session, we’d love to support you.
Take the first step toward clarity today—contact us to schedule your session.