Understanding Attachment Styles: Moving Toward Secure Relationships

Attachment theory offers a powerful lens for understanding how we connect with others. From the way we handle conflict to how we express love, our attachment style often plays a central role. For many of us, the journey toward healthy, fulfilling relationships involves understanding our attachment tendencies and working to grow toward a secure connection.

The exciting part? Research shows that attachment styles are not permanent. With intentional effort and the right support, it’s possible to shift toward what’s known as “earned secure attachment,” no matter where you start. Let’s dive into the attachment styles, how they influence relationships, and how you can move toward a secure attachment style.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

Attachment styles are often shaped by our early relationships with caregivers and continue to influence how we interact with romantic partners in adulthood. Here’s an overview of the four primary styles:

Secure Attachment:

Those with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust their partner, navigate conflict with confidence, and maintain emotional balance. This is the ideal attachment style and serves as a goal for those looking to improve their relational patterns.

Preoccupied Attachment (Anxious):

Individuals with a preoccupied attachment style often feel a deep fear of abandonment and may become overly focused on their partner’s actions or feelings. They crave closeness but may worry that their partner isn’t as invested in the relationship as they are.

Dismissive Attachment (Avoidant):

Those with a dismissive attachment style value independence and self-sufficiency to the point where they often avoid emotional intimacy. They may struggle to trust others or rely on their partner, leading to a tendency to emotionally distance themselves in relationships.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (Disorganized):

This style is a mix of preoccupied and dismissive tendencies. Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style often crave connection but are also deeply afraid of getting hurt. This can create a push-and-pull dynamic where they want intimacy but withdraw when it feels too vulnerable.

Can Attachment Styles Change?

The idea that “people never change” is a myth when it comes to attachment styles. Research shows that many people can and do shift toward a secure attachment style, often through supportive relationships or therapy. This process is known as "earned secure attachment," and it’s a testament to the brain's ability to grow and adapt throughout life.

Here are some important statistics:

• Longitudinal studies suggest that 25–30% of people change their attachment style over time, especially when they are in healthy, stable relationships.

• Therapy has been shown to significantly increase the likelihood of moving toward secure attachment. In fact, one study in the Journal of Counseling Psychology found that individuals who actively worked on their attachment patterns in therapy were 60% more likely to report secure behaviors in relationships after two years.

This means that with intention and effort, it’s entirely possible to grow toward the stability, trust, and emotional safety of secure attachment.

How to Shift Toward Secure Attachment

If you identify as preoccupied, dismissive, or fearful-avoidant, you might feel stuck in patterns that no longer serve you. The path to secure attachment requires self-awareness, practice, and sometimes the guidance of a professional. Here’s how to start:

1. Identify Your Attachment Style

The first step is understanding your attachment style and how it affects your relationships. Do you feel anxious about your partner’s commitment, like someone with a preoccupied style? Or do you tend to avoid emotional closeness, like someone with a dismissive style? Awareness is a powerful tool for change.

2. Heal Through Safe Relationships

Positive, secure relationships—whether romantic or platonic—can help rewire your attachment patterns. Surround yourself with people who demonstrate consistency, emotional availability, and trustworthiness.

3. Work With a Therapist

Therapy is one of the most effective ways to achieve earned secure attachment. Therapists trained in approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or the Gottman Method can help you process past experiences, challenge negative beliefs about connection, and practice healthier relational behaviors.

4. Practice Emotional Regulation

If you have a preoccupied or fearful-avoidant style, intense emotions can feel overwhelming. Learning to regulate your emotions through mindfulness, journaling, or grounding exercises can help you feel more in control and less reactive in relationships.

5. Set Boundaries and Build Trust

For dismissive individuals, leaning into vulnerability and building trust with your partner can be transformative. For preoccupied or fearful-avoidant individuals, learning to set boundaries and honor your own needs is equally crucial.

6. Commit to Growth Together

If you’re in a relationship, work together to create a "secure base." This involves open communication, consistent care, and a willingness to explore your attachment dynamics as a team. Couples therapy can be an invaluable space for this growth.

A Peek Into a Common Therapy Session

In therapy, it’s not uncommon to see one partner with a dismissive attachment style and the other with a preoccupied attachment style. We often tell clients that they wish they could each move directly to secure attachment—but the path to secure is not direct.

For the dismissive partner, who has avoided conflict and tried to minimize anxiety by not engaging, the journey requires stepping into the discomfort. They must learn to share what they think and feel with their partner, even when it feels vulnerable. The key is working in therapy to communicate without criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling.

For the preoccupied partner, the challenge lies in managing their anxiety and learning to trust without seeking constant reassurance. Both partners, when they understand the "why" behind these changes, can embrace the extra discomfort knowing they are headed toward a much more collaborative and fulfilling relationship than either has likely experienced before.

This work exemplifies the beauty of doing for one another what no one else could, should, or would—creating in their relationship what has not existed before.

Signs of Earned Secure Attachment

As you shift toward secure attachment, you may notice changes in how you approach your relationships. People with secure or earned secure attachment tend to:

• Trust their partner and express vulnerability without fear of judgment.

• Navigate conflict with curiosity and patience.

• Balance independence and intimacy in healthy ways.

• Communicate their needs openly and respectfully.

These changes may not happen overnight, but every step you take toward secure attachment is an investment in a more fulfilling relational future.

Ready to Begin Your Journey Toward Secure Attachment?

Whether you identify as preoccupied, dismissive, or fearful-avoidant, change is possible. At Insights Counseling Center, our therapists specialize in helping individuals and couples understand their attachment styles and move toward secure, meaningful relationships. Using approaches like the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy, we can guide you on this journey of growth and connection.

You don’t have to stay stuck in old patterns. Let us help you create the secure, fulfilling relationship you deserve. Schedule a session today and take the first step toward a healthier future.