The State Of Our Union: A Weekly Conversation To Strengthen Your Relationship

In the busyness of daily life, it’s easy for couples to drift into patterns of miscommunication, unresolved tension, or emotional distance. Over time, these small cracks can lead to significant conflict or disconnection. But what if there was a way to address issues before they fester, to celebrate the good, and to nurture your bond intentionally? Enter the State of Our Union conversation—a weekly check-in designed to keep your relationship strong, connected, and thriving.

As Dr. John Gottman wisely notes, "There was a conversation that needed to happen, but a fight occurred instead." The goal of the State of Our Union is to have those important conversations before they spiral into conflict. It’s about creating a safe, structured space to talk openly and connect deeply.

What Does a State of Our Union Conversation Look Like?

The State of Our Union is a weekly one-hour meeting (or a daily 5-10 minute check-in if you prefer) where you and your partner reflect on your relationship. It has four key parts:

1. Share Five Appreciations

Start your meeting on a positive note by each sharing five things you appreciated about your partner in the past week. Be specific and highlight the qualities behind the actions. For example:

"I really appreciated how considerate you were when you offered and picked up the groceries for me without being asked. It showed your thoughtfulness and support when I was feeling overwhelmed."

Recognizing and verbalizing these small moments fosters gratitude and reinforces the positive behaviors that strengthen your connection.

2. Discuss What Went Well in the Relationship

Reflect on the past week and identify what worked well in your relationship. Did you handle a stressful situation as a team? Were you consistent with date nights? Celebrating these wins helps you both feel accomplished and motivated to continue nurturing your relationship.

Example: "I think we did a great job managing the kids' busy schedules without getting frustrated. It felt like we were really in sync."

3. Address Concerns or Process Regrettable Incidents

Conflict is natural and even necessary for growth—as long as it’s handled constructively. This part of the conversation is where you share frustrations or process any regrettable incidents from the past week.

To guide you, Dr. Gottman introduces the concept of ATTUNEMENT:

• Awareness of your partner’s feelings and experiences

• Tolerance for different viewpoints

• Turning Toward your partner’s needs

• Understanding their perspective

• Non-defensive Listening

• Empathy for their emotions and experiences

Take turns as Speaker and Listener:

• Speaker: Use a softened start-up:

  • "I feel [emotion] about [situation], and I need [positive need]."

  • Example: "I feel frustrated and exhausted about having to clean the kitchen alone after dinner most nights. I need us to come up with a plan to share this task more evenly."

• Listener: Focus on understanding, not fixing or defending. Reflect back what you hear, validate your partner's feelings, and express empathy. The goal isn’t agreement but connection through understanding.

4. Ask: "What Can I Do Next Week to Help You Feel More Loved?"

End your conversation by each sharing one thing your partner can do to help you feel connected in the coming week. Be clear and specific:

• "One thing that would help me feel more loved is if we could take a walk together after dinner, just the two of us, to unwind and connect."

• "I would feel more loved if we set aside some time this week to have an uninterrupted conversation, without phones or distractions."

• "It would mean a lot to me if we could cook a meal together one evening and enjoy it without rushing."

• "One thing that would help me feel more loved is if you left me a little note or message during the week just to remind me you’re thinking of me."

• "I would feel more connected if we planned a spontaneous date night, even if it’s something simple like watching a movie at home with snacks."

This keeps your connection fresh and responsive to each other’s evolving needs.

Consistency is Key

Scheduling this conversation weekly helps prevent issues from piling up. If you prefer daily check-ins, shorten the time to 5-10 minutes, sharing one appreciation, one concern, and one thing you’re looking forward to. Pair it with daily habits—morning coffee, after dinner, or before bed—to make it sustainable.

Ready to Strengthen Your Relationship?

The State of Our Union isn’t just a conversation; it’s an investment in your relationship. It fosters appreciation, understanding, and emotional connection—the foundation of lasting love.

If you’d like guidance on having these conversations or support in deepening your connection, our team of skilled couples therapists is here to help. Schedule a session today and learn how to create meaningful, lasting change in your relationship.