The Courage to Demand More From Your Marriage: Embracing Unresolvable Conflicts
In the intimacy of a committed relationship, we find ourselves in a dance of closeness that is both beautiful and, at times, bewildering.The embrace of a partner can be a source of both joy and pain. It's within these complex rhythms that Drs. John and Julie Gottman have offered a word of guidance and hope: "Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations."
Unresolvable Conflicts and Their Place in Our Relationships
As you journey hand-in-hand with your partner, it's important to acknowledge that some conflicts are not simply puzzles to be solved - they are what we refer to as "unresolvable conflicts." These are the parts of your relationship that arise from your deepest values, beliefs, and personality traits. They are tangled in the very fibers of who you are and who your partner is. Studies by the Gottmans have highlighted that as much as 69% of conflicts within a relationship fall into this category. That might sound daunting, but it's actually a signpost of the unique individuals that make up a couple, each with their own perspectives and dreams.
The Expectation for Satisfaction in Relationships
You may wonder, how can it be satisfying to have conflicts that linger? The key lies not in the conflict itself but in how you engage with it. The Gottmans suggest being 'demanding' of your marriage, and by this, they mean holding a space where both partners can work toward understanding each other with respect and empathy, even when consensus seems out of reach.
Demanding more from your relationship doesn't imply a lack of contentment or a failure to appreciate your partner. Instead, it speaks to a shared bravery and dedication — acknowledging that the rich tapestry of your relationship is worth every effort to explore, even the intricate and resilient threads of unresolvable conflict.
Healthy Access, Repair, and Understanding
Embrace the notion that each time you meet your partner in the field of conflict, you are given a chance to grant access to your inner world. Rendering yourself vulnerable in the midst of disagreement is an act of trust and intimacy. It's in these moments that the magic of 'repair' emerges — those actions and words that convey, "Even though we disagree, you are important to me."
The repair is not about fixing a problem so much as it is about mending the emotional connection that may have frayed in the heat of conflict. It's about affirming the bond you have and showing that, above all, you value each other. Drs. John and Julie Gottman illuminate the idea that through open communication and a heartfelt attempt to understand each other's inner worlds, couples can navigate through and even grow from these perpetual conflicts.
Turning towards each other with empathy and compassion, even during disagreement, creates an environment where you can both feel heard and understood. When you and your partner give each other access to your emotions and thoughts through conflict, you're building a bridge to increased satisfaction and a deeper bond.
It Is In The Response To Conflict
As we hold space for one another in all the complexities that define us, we find that it is not the resolution of conflict that defines our relationship's happiness, but our response to it. We learn, we grow, and we find joy in the journey — together.
So, remember the wisdom of the Gottmans: challenging the depths of your relationships and seeking satisfaction through mutual understanding is a shared and courageous endeavor.It takes patience, love, and the belief that your relationship is capable of enduring and thriving amidst all the ups and downs life throws at you.
The work you do in service of love is potent and transformative. Embrace it with open arms and a trusting heart. And remember, Insights Counseling Center is here to support you through every step of learning The Gottman Method.