Stonewalling: When You Shut Down to Stay Safe—and How to Self-Soothe Instead
Part 4 of the Four Horsemen Series
Have you ever felt so overwhelmed in a conversation that your only option seemed to be silence? Maybe you’ve stared straight ahead, saying nothing, while your partner kept talking. Or walked out of the room mid-argument because you couldn’t take one more word.
That’s not just avoiding a fight—it’s called stonewalling. It’s the fourth of the Gottman Four Horsemen, and while it can look like disinterest or even punishment, it’s usually a sign of emotional flooding—your body’s signal that the stress has maxed out.
If criticism starts the cycle and contempt is the most toxic, stonewalling is often where connection dies out completely. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. When partners learn how to recognize flooding and practice self-soothing, shutdown can give way to re-engagement and healing.
What Stonewalling Looks and Feels Like
Stonewalling isn’t just being quiet. It’s shutting down—emotionally, mentally, physically. It might look like:
Going silent during an argument and refusing to respond
Leaving the room without explaining why
Staring at the floor or ceiling while your partner speaks
Nodding or saying “whatever” just to end the conversation
For the partner doing the stonewalling, it often feels like survival: I can’t handle this right now. For the partner on the receiving end, it can feel like abandonment: Why won’t you talk to me?
What’s Really Going On: Emotional Flooding
In Gottman research, stonewalling is closely tied to diffuse physiological arousal—a fancy way of saying your nervous system is in fight-or-flight mode. Your heart rate spikes, your muscles tense, your thoughts race or shut off entirely.
In that state, you literally cannot take in new information or respond with empathy. You’re too overwhelmed.
But here’s the important part: stonewalling isn’t always a conscious choice. It’s a protective response. And with the right tools, you can learn how to come back from it.
The Antidote to Stonewalling: Self-Soothing
You don’t have to power through emotional overwhelm. In fact, doing so can make things worse. The Gottman Method teaches that the antidote to stonewalling is intentional self-soothing—calming your body and nervous system enough to re-engage in the conversation with clarity and care.
Step-by-Step Self-Soothing Strategy:
Notice the signs of flooding
Heart pounding
Shallow breathing
A blank mind
Feeling frozen or helpless
Signal a break
Say something like:“I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a 20-minute break and come back to this?”
“I want to have this conversation, but I need a moment to calm down first.”
Take an actual break
This isn’t the same as storming off. It’s a conscious pause. During the break:Don’t replay the fight in your head
Don’t rehearse comebacks
Do something calming: breathe deeply, stretch, walk, listen to music
Return and reconnect
After 20–30 minutes, come back. Let your partner know you’re ready. Re-enter with a softened tone and a willingness to listen.
Use the Softened Start-Up Formula After a Break
When you return from self-soothing, how you re-engage matters. Try using the Gottman softened start-up: “I feel ___ about ___ and I need ___.”
This helps you ease back into the conversation without reigniting the fight.
Example:
“I feel anxious about how we’re communicating, and I need us to slow it down and try again.”
Try This at Home
Start practicing self-soothing outside of conflict, so it feels accessible in the moment. Some couples even create a shared signal—like tapping the table or saying “pause”—to indicate that one person is starting to shut down.
You can also try:
Practicing deep belly breathing for 5 minutes each day
Taking mindful walks together or separately after a disagreement
Checking your heart rate with a smartwatch to learn your flooding cues
Shutdown Isn’t the End
When stonewalling becomes a habit, it can feel like all hope for communication is gone. But it’s not. Learning how to recognize flooding, soothe your body, and return to the conversation is one of the most powerful skills couples can develop.
It’s not about getting it perfect. It’s about staying willing—and staying present.
Want Help Reconnecting After Shutdown?
If conflict leaves one of you feeling flooded and the other feeling abandoned, you're not alone. Our Gottman-trained couples therapists can help you build the skills of self-soothing and safe re-engagement. Reach out to schedule a session today.