Constructive Conversations: Complain Without Criticism
When navigating the emotions of a relationship, a common disruptive element is criticism. As one of the foremost recognized approaches in couples therapy, the Gottman Method recognizes criticism as part of its designated "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" - four behaviors that, if unchecked, can destructively impact a relationship.
Criticism, in this context, is more than expressing dissatisfaction or disappointment. It is an attack on a person's character or personality rather than focusing on a specific behavior which could be addressed or amended.
For example, instead of saying, "You're always so neglectful! You never remember to wash the dishes," you could mention, "I felt upset when I noticed the dishes left unwashed this evening." Here, the latter approach targets the issue—unwashed dishes—without launching an attack on the partner's personality.
The Art of Complaining, Not Criticizing
It's a common misconception that a healthy relationship is one void of complaints. In fact, the ability to express dissatisfaction effectively and with respect is a fundamental building block for a resilient relationship. But there's a fine and crucial line between complaining effectively and criticizing destructively.
Complaints voice displeasure or dissatisfaction regarding a specific event or situation, while criticism, as distinguished by the Gottman Method, is more global - attacking the person, not the behavior, and often implying something is inherently wrong with them. Although similar, the difference is paramount: while a complaint is about behavior, criticism is about the person's being.
Softened Startups: Communicating Effectively and Compassionately
Now, how do we make sure we're airing complaints without slipping into the counterproductive realms of criticism? This leading question brings us to a vital tool in the Gottman Method toolbox—the Softened Startup.
Picture this: Instead of trying to confront your partner with a list of grievances and an accusatory tone—commonly known as a 'harsh startup'— consider the three-step Softened Startup technique:
The Antidote: Softened StartUp
"I Feel...": Begin with expressing how you feel about the situation at hand. An example would be "I feel bothered."
"About...": Clearly state what you are discomforted by. Keep it focused to prevent the spread of the issue—for instance, "About the unwashed dishes from tonight."
"A Positive Need...": Conclude by stating a positive need—a practical request that would help alleviate your discomfort. "Could you please wash the dishes before bedtime in the future? It helps me in the morning to prep for the lunches for the day when the sink is empty."
By taking the time to communicate our feelings, focusing on the event instead of character assault, and clearly stating our needs or expectations, we are more likely to be heard, validated, and responded to positively by our partner. Remember, it's not about who is right, but working together to consider what is right for the relationship in a way that both partners are valued.
In conclusion, we all have the strength and resilience to build healthier, happier relationships. Using methods like the Softened Startup instead of resorting to criticism, we can foster understanding, empathy, and growth—individually and with our partners. Remember that your journey towards healing and understanding is commendable, and we are here to help guide you, every step of the way. Reach out today if you would like to schedule a couples session and begin to shift to connected and healthy communication patterns.