Bids for Connection: How They Can Help or Harm

Are you struggling to connect with your partner or feel like your attempts at intimacy are going unnoticed? You may be making bids for connection without realizing it. In fact, every couple makes bids for attention and connection with each other, even if they don't recognize it as such.

Research conducted at the Apartment Lab has shown that couples communicate their need for attention or connection to their partners, whether it's through verbal or nonverbal means. These bids for connection are crucial in building and maintaining a healthy relationship.

However, the way a partner responds to a bid can make or break that connection. According to Gottman's research, there are three possible responses: turning towards the bid, turning away from the bid, or turning against the bid. In essence, each response determines the emotional balance of the relationship.

Turning Toward

When partners turn towards each other's bids for connection, whether it's through active listening, showing empathy, or providing emotional support, it helps build trust and intimacy in the relationship. It's like putting money into an emotional bank account that grows and strengthens over time.

Turning Away

On the other hand, turning away from bids or responding negatively can cause emotional disconnection, leading to feelings of loneliness and hurt in the relationship. Gottman's research outlines a hierarchy of bidding, where attention is the first step, followed by empathy and emotional support.

Turning Against

When a partner turns against a bid for connection, it can be incredibly damaging to the emotional well-being of both individuals in the relationship. This response involves verbally attacking or criticizing the partner who made the bid, causing feelings of hurt, rejection, and even shame. Turning against bids for connection creates a hostile environment that erodes trust and intimacy. It can lead to a cycle of negativity and resentment, pushing partners further apart.

Scenario With Three Different Endings

Turning Toward:

Alex, feeling overwhelmed with work, decides to open up to Morgan and express their need for emotional support. They say, "Hey, I've had a tough day at work. I could really use a listening ear right now." Morgan, recognizing the bid for connection, responds with empathy and understanding. They say, "Of course, I'm here for you. Tell me all about it." Morgan actively listens, provides comfort, and validates Alex's feelings. This response strengthens their bond, as Alex feels heard, supported, and valued.

Turning Away:

In a similar scenario, Alex again reaches out to Morgan, saying, "I've had a tough day at work. Can we talk about it later?" However, this time, Morgan is preoccupied with their own thoughts and dismisses the bid for connection. They respond with, "I'm busy right now; we can discuss it later." This response makes Alex feel unheard and dismissed, leading to a sense of isolation and frustration. It creates emotional distance between them and erodes the trust in their relationship.

Turning Against:

Once again, Alex tries to express their need for emotional support to Morgan, saying, "I've had a tough day at work. Don't you even care?" However, this time, Morgan responds by lashing out at Alex, saying, "You're always complaining; can't you handle anything on your own?" This hostile response not only shuts down the bid for connection but also inflicts emotional harm. Alex feels attacked and unsupported, leading to a breakdown in communication and deepening the emotional wounds in their relationship.

Building a Stronger Connection: Embrace Every Opportunity to Nurture Your Relationship

These examples highlight the impact of different responses to bids for connection. When partners turn toward each other's bids, it fosters emotional closeness and strengthens the relationship. Conversely, turning away or turning against bids can create distance, hurt, and even hostility.

Connecting with your partner through making bids for connection can help strengthen your relationship. Remember, every bid for connection is an opportunity to build intimacy, trust, and love. Don't let these opportunities slip by unnoticed. Turning towards each other's bids is an investment in your relationship - it shows that you care and are willing to prioritize your partner.

If you're struggling to connect with your partner, don't hesitate to reach out for help. Our compassionate and professional team is here to offer you not just treatment but also understanding and companionship. Remember, you are not alone. We're here to help you recover and thrive.