4 Tips For Communicating With An Avoidant Partner

Distant. Afraid of commitment. Emotionally unavailable. Self-sabotage. Independent. Secretive. Unaffectionate.

These aren’t exactly the qualities you had in mind when dreaming of a partner. In fact, some of these are exactly the opposite.

You imagined your partner to be close, committed, and emotionally available. You dreamt of them being passionate, romantic, and trusting. They were supposed to have a healthy balance of independence and dependence.

When you pictured your relationships in the past, you imagined constant communication and being together.

This relationship isn’t exactly what you had in mind.

What are you supposed to do when your partner seems to be distancing themselves?

Here are 4 tips for communicating with an avoidant partner.

1. Be Patient

First things first: Be patient. Your partner didn’t become avoidant overnight, so the change won’t happen immediately. Be patient with them as they work in their own way and time to grow in the relationship with you.

Their avoidant style was learned as a way of survival from their past. Try to understand things from their point of view. When you create a safe atmosphere and environment for them, they’ll be more likely to communicate with you in an open and honest way.

2. Learn to Be Okay with a Little Indepedence

Boundaries are essential in any type of relationship.

Avoidant partners are more likely to crave alone time. Even though they need this time to themselves, they may feel bad or shameful for wanting it. Try offering your support for this alone time, even before they request it. Suggest they spend time on their own. If it makes things easier, try to do things on your own as well in order to give them their own space.

You can both work on being independent and giving one another space. Think of it this way: You can’t fill someone else’s cup if yours is empty. You both need time to focus on yourself and your individual needs before you can fully invest in each other.

3. Compromise with Each Other

Meeting your partner halfway can help in any relationship, but especially in those with an avoidant partner.

Focusing on your avoidant partner’s wants and needs doesn’t mean your wants and needs have to be pushed to the side and forgotten about. Be open and honest with your partner. Let them know that you understand that you each have different views when it comes to certain things, but you’re looking for a compromise. Communicate what your preferences are so they can meet you in the middle just like you have with them.

You may feel like you’re giving more than receiving at first, but with time, your partner will learn that they can open up and trust you.

4. Think Before You Speak

Try to communicate more effectively by making an active effort to think before you speak.

Try not to play the blame game. You can do this by using “I” statements instead of “You”. Take ownership over your thoughts and feelings instead of making your partner play the defense.

Another good rule of thumb is to talk about things when you’re calm, especially when it comes to important issues or arguments.

Open and honest communication doesn’t mean just focusing on the negatives or things you want to improve. Aim towards complimenting your partner whenever they do something you appreciate. A little bit goes a long way.

Next Steps

If you’re struggling with communicating with a partner that is avoidant, you don’t have to handle this all on your own.

Couples counseling could be a great way for you and your partner to discuss everything with an unbiased third party.

A trained and licensed therapist can help you and your partner communicate and better understand each other.

If you’re interested in learning how to better communicate with an avoidant partner, reach out to us today to schedule a consultation.