What To Do When Communication Has Stopped In Your Marriage

The silent treatment. The peace and quiet may seem like a better solution over yelling, crying, and screaming. But the truth of the matter is: Silence isn’t a long-term solution.

When you are married, one of the main pillars that make up your relationship is communication.

Whether the conversation is just chatting about each other’s day or discussing a solution to an issue you’re facing, communication is an essential part of your relationship.

So, what are you supposed to do when communication has stopped in your relationship? Let’s find out.

From an EFT lens, we would suggest that two withdrawers are in their negative cycle.

Something Deeper Is Likely Under the Silence

No matter what stage you’re at in your relationship, you don’t know all of your partner’s thoughts or feelings. And they don’t know yours either. Very often, what each of you want the most in the relationship, and how you would like the relationship to always be is kept quiet.

When there are unmet wants or needs hidden under the surface that are challenged or seem to not be happening, it is common to then hold back deep down and vulnerable feelings attached to those unmet wants or needs.

When the vulnerable feelings seem too difficult to share, a reactive feeling is shown instead. When communication has stopped in a marriage, two withdrawers are typically caught in their negative cycle. The reactive feelings and attached behaviors are often linked to despair and withdrawal.

Breathe & Become Aware of Thoughts & Behaviors

This may be easier said than done but try to stay calm and breathe. When your partner stops communicating, you may start to worry about things that aren’t even relevant to the situation.

Did I do something wrong?
What did I say?
They don’t care about me?
Are we going to make it?
What have they done?
What are they worried about?

Your mind may be filled with many different thoughts. Try not to listen to that negative voice in your head. Keep in mind that you don’t actually know what’s going on, and it’s only going to make matters worse by thinking and assuming the worst.

Aim to give your partner space without giving advice or worrying about the situation. It doesn’t mean you can never ask about what is happening with your spouse. It does mean that, in the moment, without understanding and safe communication, successful communication is rarely a natural result of asking a stream of questions to quiet the negative head voice happening for you.

For two withdrawers, extra distance is quickly created when you feel that your spouse is distancing themselves from you. You may ask one or two questions, and when met with insufficient answers, you go away to remove yourself from this uncomfortable situation. Very often there is a mental rehearsal of what you think about your spouse and what you think about yourself in this moment.

You can imagine the message couched in this step! Criticism lives here naturally and while a natural reaction, these critical thoughts fuel disconnection in your marriage. Our therapists are trained to help you navigate these thoughts and the behaviors that follow in a way that you can choose how you want to engage in your relationship.

Remove the Criticism

Not communicating with your partner can be very frustrating but try not to let your emotions get the best of you. Your goal is to make your communication better. Criticism is naturally met with defensiveness, and this fuels the reactive negative cycle.

All of our therapists working with couples are trained in Gottman Couples Therapy Method and able to teach you how to communicate in a way that you are heard, AND in a way that you are able to hear your spouse. It is possible, sooner rather than later, if the two of you are willing to engage in the therapy process.

It Takes Two

It takes two people to make up your relationship, your partner and you. That means it will require both of you to communicate more effectively with one another.

Our couples' work aims to be dyadic and allow most of the conversation to be between the two of you!  Our therapists are there to interrupt the negative cycle and help you restart in a way that allows safe and honest communication to take place. We can pause the two of you as needed to help you NOT sabotage what you are trying to say.

Next Steps

Communication is very important in any type of relationship. If you still feel like there is a lack of communication in your relationship, it may be time to reach out for extra support.

An unbiased third party like a counselor may be exactly what you need. Whether you choose to partake in individual therapy, couples counseling, or both, a therapist can help you see both sides. They can also give you the tools you need to better cope with the situation.

If you want to improve your communication or strengthen the bond in your relationship again, reach out to us today for couples counseling.