Couple Resources
Pre-Disclosure Prep Worksheet for Spouses and Partners of Sex Addicts
Your voice, safety, and boundaries are important to the formal disclosure process. While you did not and do not have control over your recovering spouse or partner’s sexually acting-out choices and deception, you do have control over what you would like to hear during disclosure.
This pre-disclosure prep worksheet is designed to help you with this process. You will work with your therapist to complete the following information before formal disclosure. Please complete this in your client portal and review it with your therapist at least one month prior to the formal disclosure meeting. Your therapist will review and then send your prep sheet to your recovering partner or spouse’s therapist, who will then use this information to support the disclosure process in respecting your boundaries.
If your spouse is working with an Insights Counseling Center CSAT, they will be directed to write their disclosure document following Courageous Love, Chapter 3 or Full Disclosure: How To Share The Truth After Sexual Betrayal.
If your spouse is working with a CSAT outside of our practice, our CPTT / CCPS partner specialists require seeing a draft of your spouse’s final disclosure before it goes to polygraph to be sure it meets the standard of being therapeutic without minimization, rationalization, or justification AND includes answers to all of your questions.
We do not perform therapeutic disclosures with coaches or therapists who do not have specialty training in disclosures through either IITAP or APSATS. If your spouse is not working with someone trained in facilitating disclosures, the process can be traumatizing for both you and your spouse.
Pre-Disclosure Prep Worksheet for Partners/Spouses
You will submit your final list of questions and sign the disclosure release in your portal. Your spouse will not get these questions from you until 1- you and your therapist have reviewed them together, and 2- your spouse has finished writing their disclosure document. Once they have done the work to give a full account of the betrayal since the beginning of your relationship, then their therapist will give them these specific questions to be sure you get ALL of your questions answered. Typically, most of these questions will have already been answered in their initial disclosure writing; however, any specifics or requests you have will be incorporated and addressed in an appendix page.
Talk with your betrayal trauma therapist about your option to read these questions at disclosure as your spouse goes through and reads his answers. For some, this is a helpful piece of the healing journey.
The questions you will answer in your portal are copied here for your initial review:
Please note: this worksheet is to be used within a therapeutic context and under the direction of a qualified mental health professional. It is not intended to be a self-help tool, as considerable damage could be done with its inappropriate usage.
PLEASE COMPLETE THIS WITH YOUR THERAPIST. YOUR THERAPIST WILL SEND THIS INFORMATION TO YOUR RECOVERING SPOUSE OR PARTNER’S THERAPIST WHO WILL THEN INCORPORATE THIS INFORMATION AND YOUR REQUEST WITH YOUR RECOVERING SPOUSE OR PARTNER, SUPPORTING THEIR FORMAL DISCLOSURE.
The purpose of a formal disclosure is to facilitate the repair of your relationship. It is our belief that you are entitled to know the truth about your relationship and the person with whom you have chosen to share your life.
Formal Disclosures are completed even when your partner has “told you everything” because information previously revealed can often be incomplete, however well intended. The decision to participate in formal disclosure is entirely yours. If you choose to participate in a formal disclosure, this worksheet is designed to assist in the process.
Therapists work diligently with recovering addicts to ensure the most complete and accurate disclosure possible. However, when deception has been profound, partners may have little faith in the truthfulness of the information provided in the formal disclosure. In these circumstances, a polygraph can be incorporated into this process.
Please give careful consideration to the following questions and answer them in your client portal when you are ready:
Please list all clarifying questions you would like answered during disclosure.
The following bullet points are the main categories that spouses and partners most often request information.
Please note that specific details (such as size of breasts or penis, or position of sex, etc.) are not healthy details for the spouse to know as this can further traumatize the partner.
You have a right to know the following information in order to make a fully informed decision about your safety and boundaries in moving forward with your recovering partner if that is what you choose to do:
Type of acting out behavior (prostitutes, strip clubs, affair partners, one night stands, sex book shops, other)
Progression of behaviors
Protected or unprotected sex acts
Type of sex acts (oral, vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse, masturbation)
Timeline of acting out behavior (pornography, masturbation, affairs)
Location of acting out behavior
Friends or family members who were privy to this information
Illegal activities
Arrests
Money spent
Lies, gas lighting and other forms of deception
Memberships online or offline
Current acting out triggers
Current recovery progress
Future goals and focus
What are you hoping to receive by hearing your spouse’s disclosure?
Is there specific information that you would like to hear?
How much detail do you wish to receive? (please check those that apply:)
❏ List of general addictive behaviors
❏ List of specific addictive behaviors (please note any specific questions)
❏ Time frames of behaviors
❏ Frequency/duration of behaviors
❏ If behaviors have involved another person/people
❏ Identity of any acting out partner that you may personally know
❏ Identity of any friends/family members who may already be aware of this problem
❏ The exact number of sexual partners (or estimate if the exact number is incalculable)
❏ Prefer a range rather than an exact number (if so, please supply the range):
❏ Money spent on acting out behaviors
❏ Information on places/locations of acting out
❏ Information starting from when you first were involved as a couple
Is there any information that you DO NOT want?
What is your biggest fear about formal disclosure?
Are you ambivalent about staying the relationship?
Is there anything you could hear in disclosure that would cause you to want to leave the relationship?
Do you intend to use this information against your recovery partner or spouse in a court hearing?
Do you intend on sharing this information with others in your life or your spouse or partner’s life?
Are you dealing with homicidal (harming your spouse or someone else) or suicidal (harming yourself) thoughts?
It is strongly advised that you schedule a session with your individual therapist immediately after the Disclosure (or as soon as possible) to assist you with processing the information you have received.
Please complete this with your therapist. Once completed, you agree that your therapist will share this information with your sexually recovering spouse or partner’s therapist, who will then share it with your partner or spouse to help support their process in writing their Formal Disclosure while respecting and supporting your requests as outlined with your answers in your portal document.
Frequently Asked Questions
on Formal Disclosure:
A Guideline for Spouses or Partners
of Sex Addicts
Disclosure is a difficult process for the recovering sex addict and certainly a stressful and traumatic time for the spouse or partner of the addict. The process leading up to presenting a formal disclosure is a strenuous journey that takes time and requires intense focus, preparation, and therapy for the recovering addict and focused support for the wounded spouse or partner. This is a process of depth and accountability where the addict must work hard in presenting a truthful timeline and history of their sexual acting out behaviors.
However, this process extends far beyond simply cataloging behaviors. Ultimately, the recovering addict takes ownership of the secrets, lies, and actions that have hurt their significant other and their relationship. This information is delivered in a safe therapy setting where the addict will read his or her disclosure letter and timeline in a clinical, non-blaming manner, taking full ownership of his or her actions.
While difficult, formal disclosure can also provide a new foundation on which the spouse can finally stand. Post disclosure, many spouses have reported feeling as if they finally have all the missing pieces and have the full picture of what they were dealing with for the first time. Many spouses share that while difficult, it is incredibly healing to realize that they were not simply “creating scenarios in my head,” or “losing my mind trying to figure out what was happening,” or “playing guessing games with my partner” when the acting out was happening in their relationship.
Additionally, formal disclosure often provides a new place to begin rebuilding trust, as the spouse can make a fully informed decision based on truth vs. deception and pain. This can be a new and healthy season that unfolds over time for many relationships.
While formal disclosure is challenging, there are many positives that come out of a disclosure session. Still, it can be very difficult to listen to the addict reviewing his or her acting out behavior – even if he or she has already disclosed this to you before. Because of this, it is imperative that the spouse or partner has a support system in place and healthy pre and post-disclosure steps that feel safe for that spouse.
Our goal is to facilitate a safe process that supports you in your healing journey. As we approach the Formal Disclosure session, please take some time to review the following frequently asked questions. You will most likely have other questions after this review. We welcome the opportunity to process with you.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the purpose of a Formal Disclosure session?
This is an opportunity for your spouse or significant other to directly and truthfully disclose the history of their sexual acting out behavior since the inception of your relationship. This is prepared by your spouse, who works closely with their own therapist. You have a right to full disclosure in order to make an informed decision on your next steps in your marriage or relationship.
What is Formal Disclosure?
The disclosure is a timeline of all acting out behaviors since the inception of the relationship. Once prepared, the disclosure is read directly to you by your spouse or significant other within a clinical setting with both their therapist and your therapist. The information on their sexual acting out behaviors is delivered in a straightforward, truthful manner where your spouse or significant other takes ownership of their behavior with no excuses, reasons, blaming, minimizing, explanations, apologies, or deception.
What can I expect to learn during the Formal Disclosure meeting?
The frequency of acting out behaviors during the course of your relationship, the types of acting out behaviors, the place(s) where the behaviors occurred (home, motels, strip clubs, car, office, etc.), the materials or technology involved (magazines, DVD’s, Internet, etc.), the approximate money spent on the behaviors, the approximate amount of time spent on the behaviors, the approximate number of times the client was dishonest about their acting out.
Who leads the disclosure session?
Your therapist and your spouse’s therapist will co-lead the disclosure session in a very safe and structured way.
Will this be a therapy session for me or a couples session for us?
While your feelings about therapy and your comfort level will be respected and honored, this is not a couples session or individual session for you.
Who will be in the Formal Disclosure meeting?
The recovering client’s therapist, the spouse or significant other, the recovering client, and the partner’s therapist.
How long does Formal Disclosure take?
Approximately 90 minutes to 3 hours. At Insights Counseling Center, your disclosure will be scheduled as a double session (100 minutes), and your therapists will hold the hour after that session in case you need to go over. Any time over the 100 minutes will be pro-rated and billed in 15-minute increments.
Where is the session held?
Typically, in the office of the betrayed partner or a neutral office of the group room in our office.
How much detail is disclosed?
Disclosures are most helpful to the partner (and sex addict) when they cover all the acting out behaviors, the specific time frame (or if the addict cannot recall due to the number of years, an approximate time frame) of the behaviors, the specific or approximate frequency, all money spent, and the deception around the behavior. Specific details of body parts, specific details of sexual encounters, etc., are not in the spouse’s best interest and do not support their process of healing. This information is also not in the best interest of partners.
I feel a mixture of anger, fear, and anxiety regarding Formal Disclosure – is this normal?
Yes, it is a normal part of the process. Your feelings are valid and important. A post-disclosure therapy session directly after FD to process with your own therapist is highly recommended. And your therapist will work with you prior to Formal Disclosure as well to prepare for post-disclosure healing.
Do I have any control over what I do or do not want to hear?
Yes. You have a right to decide what you want included or omitted in the disclosure. You will fill out your partner’s pre-FD prep worksheet to let your therapist know what details you would prefer not to hear and what questions you have and to work closely with your therapist in completing materials prior to disclosure. This will then go to the recovering addict’s therapist, who will use your requests and boundaries while helping your spouse or partner prepare their disclosure.
How do I know that my spouse/partner is being completely honest with me?
While there is no absolute guarantee that your spouse is being 100% truthful, disclosure is not scheduled until the client has done at least the first steps of therapy and recovery, has broken through his or her denial, and is ready to fully disclose. The therapist monitors this process carefully before scheduling a disclosure. This often takes time, depending on the individual. Most often, a polygraph is administered if agreed upon by the spouse and the client. You can schedule the polygraph with the polygrapher of your choice. Many clients have used David Clayton with Clayton Polygraph or Jennifer Mize at Commerical Polygraph. If you choose a polygrapher outside of these two, we recommend that you schedule a call between your therapist and the polygrapher to be sure they are familiar with polygraphs on disclosure documents.
Is this a guarantee that he will never “act out” again?
No, this is not a guarantee. Sexual addiction recovery, like any addiction, is a lifelong process and a commitment to recovery and change. There may be slips in the future, there may be a relapse – and there is no ‘crystal ball’ to determine if and when this may occur. No therapist can make a promise about future acting out choices. We have a process to create a relapse plan post-disclosure to help build safety and a plan for the healing between the two of you.
Will I get a copy of the disclosure?
While you will not receive a copy of the disclosure, your therapist will receive a copy and will go over any questions you may have in a post-disclosure clarification session.
What if questions come up as a result of disclosure?
You will have an opportunity to ask and have these questions at the end of the disclosure reading. We recommend scheduling a couple’s post-disclosure session with your couple's therapist within 48 hours of disclosure and with your individual therapists within 24 hours.
Are there any rules I need to be aware of?
Yes, these are the general “rules” around disclosure:
Have a CSAT therapist that you are working with and a CPTT or CCPS therapist for partners
Have a support group that you are connected to
Arrive on time
Drive separately from your partner or spouse
If you feel you need a friend or family member to drive you, please set this up prior to the session
No interrupting each other or the therapist(s)
Respect the therapist’s lead and facilitation
Nonverbal, emotional, or physical violence
Request a timeout if needed. Or request that the FD stop if you are overwhelmed.
No cursing, blaming or shaming
Arrive sober
Do not use the disclosure information against the recovering addict in court, with children, family, friends, or co-workers, or in the media
Do not record or video the disclosure
Have a safe place and support system to process after disclosure
Read the material beforehand as directed by your therapist
Complete your partner prep work beforehand
Are there circumstances when Formal Disclosure may not be advisable?
Yes, Formal Disclosure is not appropriate when:
Spouse/Partner is profoundly mentally ill
Spouse/Partner is dealing with a health emergency
Spouse/Partner has a history of violence toward recovering Sex Addict
Domestic Violence present
Spouse/Partner has threatened to use Formal Disclosure against Sex Addict
Spouse/Partner has threatened to divorce or take children
Spouse/Partner or recovering addict is suicidal or homicidal
Will pose a significant health risk to recovering Sex Addict (as noted in a medical note from doctor)
Spouse/Partner is on deathbed
Spouse/Partner refuses to seek therapy
Sex Addict is not in treatment
Do you recommend any books on this?
.Courageous Love by Dr. Stefani Carnes
Full Therapeutic Disclosure Volume Two by Dr. Janice Caudill and Dan Drake
Post Disclosure After Care Plan for the Spouse or Partner
These are healthy next steps to support you following a disclosure session:
Please remember that Formal Disclosure, while important, is a traumatic event and you will need support and guidance during the process. It is not advisable for a therapist to facilitate a Formal Disclosure if the spouse or partner is not receiving therapeutic support with a CSAT.
If you have a therapist, please have an appointment in place directly after FD to process your feelings and next steps. If you do not, we will be happy to provide you with names and contact information of CSAT therapists who can assist you.
If you feel that you are unable to drive yourself home after Formal Disclosure, it is important that you share this with your therapist and we will help you arrange a safe ride home.
If you feel suicidal after hearing this information, it is important that you let your therapist know this so that she or he can provide you with emergency support. Or if experiencing a life threatening emergency, call 911.
Meet with your 12 step or support group members, or make outreach calls for support. We have provided information to help you with this if you are not attending 12 steps.
If you are attending 12 steps, contact your sponsor directly after the disclosure.
If you are feeling ill, light headed, or have any physical symptoms that feel abnormal, please call your doctor. If it feels like a life threatening emergency, call 911.
If you are feeling homicidal, it is important that you share this with your therapist, or safe support. You may need contact 911 to provide support for you.
Take time to process what you have heard. Journaling, walking, prayer and meditation are healthy forms of processing.
Do not drink or abuse substances pre, during, or post Formal Disclosure.
Allow yourself to feel your feelings and be gentle with yourself in the process.
Follow the steps and directions of your CSAT therapist, this will include completing and turning in your partner’s prep materials, doing your reading, and attending therapy.