When the Problem Is Serious: How to Navigate Affairs, Addictions, and Abuse in Marriage
There was a time when divorce was considered only under the most serious of circumstances—when someone was unfaithful, addicted, abusive, or simply vanished. What we now refer to as the “Triple A’s”—affairs, addictions, and abuse—were the traditional grounds for ending a marriage.
These are what we call the hard reasons for divorce. Not because they’re more valid than others, but because they strike at the core of dignity, safety, and stability in a relationship. They affect not only the couple but often the children as well. And while they are serious, painful, and often damaging, they are not always a death sentence for the relationship—especially if there is a shared willingness to change.
Let’s explore what to do when one of these hard issues is present in your marriage—and you’re not ready to give up.
The Shift Toward “Soft” Reasons for Divorce
Today, most divorces don’t involve the Triple A’s. Instead, we hear about things like:
“We just grew apart.”
“We can’t communicate anymore.”
“I feel invisible.”
Research backs this up. Common reasons people cite for ending their marriage include:
Growing apart (55%)
Communication problems (53%)
Money stress (40%)
Personal struggles of one spouse (37%)
Emotional neglect (34%)
Sexual dissatisfaction (24%)
Lifestyle or value differences (23%)
These are not insignificant issues. They can erode love over time and leave people feeling stuck, lonely, or angry. But unlike the hard reasons, they tend to be more amenable to counseling and change—if both people are willing to show up and work.
The hard problems—affairs, addictions, and abuse—require a different kind of clarity, courage, and approach.
“It’s not the problem itself that ends a marriage—
it’s the refusal to face it.”
Understanding the Hard Reasons: The Triple A’s
Affairs: Betrayal or Wake-Up Call?
Not every affair is the same. Some are momentary lapses filled with shame and regret. Others are escape hatches from unresolved personal pain. And then there are the repeat offenders—those unwilling to stop the pattern or seek help.
The key question isn’t whether there was an affair—it’s whether the unfaithful spouse is willing to change and whether the betrayed partner can feel emotionally safe enough to consider healing. Many couples recover from infidelity, and some emerge stronger and more connected. What matters most is mutual effort and accountability.
Affairs don’t have to end a marriage—but refusing to work on the marriage might.
Addictions: The Third Partner in the Room
Substance use and compulsive behaviors can corrode the foundation of any relationship. But addictions don’t always destroy marriages—denial does.
Addiction becomes marriage-ending when the addicted partner won’t seek help, take responsibility, or acknowledge the impact on their spouse and children. But recovery is possible. And when both partners are ready to face their roles—whether it’s codependency, enabling, or conflict avoidance—transformation is possible.
When both people engage in real, sustained change, these marriages can become some of the most honest and connected you’ll ever see.
Abuse: When Safety and Control Are at Stake
Abuse is never just a relationship problem—it’s a safety issue. Whether it’s physical violence or coercive control (limiting what you wear, who you see, or where you go), your wellbeing must come first.
Experts now distinguish between two forms of intimate partner violence:
Intimate terrorism: controlling, fear-based abuse that requires immediate exit and protection.
Situational couple violence: escalating conflict and poor regulation that may involve both partners and occurs without long-term control or fear.
Both are harmful. Both leave scars. But the path to healing looks different.
If your situation involves intimidation, domination, or physical threat, you deserve immediate protection and support to exit safely.
But if the violence is situational and both of you feel remorse and want to change, help is available. These relationships can improve—with intensive work, professional support, and a deep commitment from both partners.
What to Do If You’re in a Marriage With a Hard Problem
If your marriage is facing one of the Triple A’s, and you're still holding hope that it could be saved, here’s a roadmap to move forward with integrity and clarity:
1. Check in with yourself:
Ask honestly: Is my wellbeing, or my children’s, being compromised by this marriage?
2. Decide if you still want to try:
If the answer is yes, remind yourself that this can’t continue unchanged—and that you’re not willing to stay in this dynamic unless real changes happen.
3. Take responsibility for your part:
Not for your partner’s behavior—but for your own patterns in the relationship. Reflect on what you’ve tolerated, avoided, or contributed. This isn’t blame—it’s emotional maturity.
4. Come prepared with a clear ask:
Identify a therapist, group, or program that you’d both engage in. Be ready to suggest a path forward.
5. Prepare your message:
Say something like…
“I love you and want to stay married. But I can’t keep living with [affairs/addiction/abuse]. I know I’ve made mistakes too, and I’m willing to work on my part. But we need real help. I need you to commit to change with me.”
Then listen—not to argue or defend, but to understand where your spouse is.
Responses may include:
Defensiveness (“This isn’t my fault”)
Criticism (“You’re the problem”)
Placating (“Sure, I’ll do whatever you want”)
Honesty (often messy at first, but open)
If your spouse resists, don’t escalate or debate. Repeat your boundaries clearly. Let the conversation sit. Then return to it later. Over time, increase the urgency—without threatening—with reminders like, “I can’t keep doing this, and I need to know if you’re willing to change with me.”
If you never get buy-in, you’ll know you gave it your all—and that it’s time to take the next step to protect your health and safety.
Healing or Leaving—You Deserve Clarity
Discernment Counseling exists for situations exactly like this—when the decision to stay or leave is not clear-cut, even in the face of serious problems. It provides a structured, supportive space to sort through your options with care and honesty.
Whether your relationship can be restored or not, you deserve a process that honors your dignity and values.
When You’re Not Sure What Comes Next
If you’re facing affairs, addiction, or abuse in your marriage and want to explore whether healing is possible, our team is here to walk with you. Discernment Counseling gives you the clarity and strength to take the next step—whatever that step may be.