Using the Values Behavior Exercise to Navigate Betrayal Without Getting Stuck in the Anger Cycle
Betrayal is one of the most painful experiences a person can endure. Whether in the form of infidelity, broken trust, or deep deception, it shakes our sense of security and justice. Anger is a natural response—it signals that something profoundly unjust has happened. However, when anger becomes a cycle of reactivity, leading to emotional crashes, exhaustion, and bitterness, it can prevent the betrayed partner from reclaiming their sense of agency and healing.
The Values Behavior Exercise offers a way to process anger constructively—not for the benefit of the one who betrayed you, but for your own well-being. By choosing actions rooted in your values, rather than being hijacked by anger, you create a path forward that is empowering and stabilizing.
Understanding the Values Behavior Exercise
The Values Behavior Exercise helps individuals interrupt cycles of emotional reactivity and intentionally choose behaviors aligned with what truly matters to them. When thoughts of betrayal happen, this exercise allows the betrayed partner to move through anger in a way that is self-honoring rather than self-destructive.
By practicing this exercise, you can:
Recognize anger as an important but incomplete messenger.
Identify values that bring stability, peace, and personal fulfillment.
Develop a plan to engage in those values when anger surges.
Reduce emotional crashes that often follow intense anger episodes.
Step 1: Acknowledge and Accept the Anger Without Becoming It
Anger is a normal and justified reaction to betrayal. It is not the problem. The problem is when anger overtakes you, dictating behaviors that leave you feeling even more depleted.
Instead of fighting or fearing anger, pause and ask:
What is my anger trying to tell me?
Am I directing this anger toward healing or staying stuck in the pain?
What do I need for myself in this moment?
For example, if you find yourself ruminating about the betrayal late at night, rather than feeding the anger with more painful thoughts, you could redirect your energy toward an intentional practice that aligns with your values.
Step 2: Identify Core Values That Support Your Healing
Anger naturally draws attention to the past and the injustice of what happened. To step forward, intentionally shift your focus to values that offer stability and renewal. These values are not about your partner or the relationship, but about you and the life you want to create.
Consider values such as:
Creativity – Engaging in painting, writing, music, or other artistic expression to channel emotions in a meaningful way.
Beauty in Nature – Taking a walk outside, watching a sunset, or tending to a garden to connect with something larger than the pain.
Appreciation – Practicing gratitude for small joys that exist in your life, independent of the betrayal.
Self-Respect – Making choices that reflect dignity, self-care, and personal growth.
When anger surges, rather than reacting impulsively or remaining stuck in resentment, choose to engage in one of these values.
Step 3: Create a Personalized Plan for Handling Anger Surges
Now that you have identified values that align with your healing, make a plan for how you will engage with them when anger arises. This helps shift the energy from destructive reactivity to intentional action.
For example:
When feeling overwhelmed by anger, go for a walk in a beautiful setting to reconnect with nature.
When experiencing racing thoughts, write or journal to release emotions creatively.
When consumed with resentment, listen to music or a podcast that inspires personal growth rather than feeds the anger.
When tempted to lash out, practice self-care—whether through a warm bath, a meditation session, or engaging in a hobby that brings joy.
This plan gives you something concrete to do in moments of distress, preventing anger from ruling your emotions and actions.
Step 4: Reflect on the Outcomes
Each time you consciously choose to act in alignment with your values rather than being consumed by anger, take a moment to reflect:
Did this choice bring me a sense of stability or relief?
How did this value-based action impact my emotional state?
What did I learn about myself in the process?
The goal is not to suppress anger but to move through it with awareness, choosing responses that affirm your agency and self-respect.
Moving Forward with Strength and Intention
Healing from betrayal is not about minimizing the pain or excusing what happened. It is about ensuring that the pain does not define or control you. The Values Behavior Exercise empowers betrayed partners to live in a way that honors their dignity, rather than staying trapped in cycles of anger and despair.
If betrayal has left you feeling stuck in anger, and you need support navigating your healing journey, our betrayal trauma therapists are here to help. Schedule a session with us to develop strategies that empower you to move forward with strength and intention.
1 Living and Loving after Betrayal : How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment. (n.d.). New Harbinger Publications.