Unspoken Family Rules: How Your Past Shapes Your Marriage
When you got married, you likely carried with you a set of unspoken rules about what family should look like—rules you assumed were simply "normal." These rules and beliefs were shaped by your upbringing, absorbed through observation rather than conversation. And because they were never explicitly discussed, they now influence your reactions to your spouse in ways you might not even realize.
In marriage, these differing family expectations often clash, leading to misunderstandings, frustration, and feelings of distance. But here’s the good news: once you identify these hidden expectations, you can start bridging the gap between your past and the family you want to build together.
The Influence of Your Family of Origin
Think back to your childhood home. What did family mean to you growing up? What were the unspoken rules? Who made the decisions? How did conflict get handled? How were emotions expressed or avoided?
Now, consider how those experiences shaped what you expected when you got married.
Try filling in these blanks:
In my family growing up, family meant ___.
So when we got married, I assumed ___.
That’s why, when [partner’s name] does ___, I feel __.
Example Reflections
Husband:
"In my family, family meant obligation and duty. So when we got married, I assumed my wife would prioritize us over everything. That’s why when she spends so much time with her family, I feel like I’m not enough."
Wife:
"In my family, family meant love and connection. So when we got married, I assumed we would always stay close with our parents and siblings. That’s why when my husband wants to limit my time with them, I feel controlled and alone."
Household Responsibilities & Gender Roles
Wife: "In my family, my mom did everything around the house, while my dad worked. So when we got married, I assumed I’d handle all the household tasks and you’d handle the finances. That’s why, when you expect me to contribute financially, I feel overwhelmed and like I’m failing."
Husband: "In my family, my parents shared responsibilities. So when we got married, I assumed we’d do the same. That’s why, when you take on everything and don’t let me help, I feel shut out and unappreciated."
Conflict & Communication Styles
Husband: "In my family, conflict was avoided at all costs. So when we got married, I assumed that if we were happy, we wouldn’t argue. That’s why, when you want to talk things through immediately, I feel attacked and like I can’t do anything right."
Wife: "In my family, we worked through conflict by talking things out. So when we got married, I assumed we’d always discuss issues openly. That’s why, when you shut down during an argument, I feel abandoned and unheard."
Expressing Love & Affection
Wife: "In my family, we expressed love through words and affection. So when we got married, I assumed you’d tell me how much you love me often. That’s why, when you don’t say it or show physical affection, I feel like you don’t care."
Husband: "In my family, love was shown through acts of service. So when we got married, I assumed that fixing things around the house and providing for us was my way of saying 'I love you.' That’s why, when you tell me I don’t express my feelings enough, I feel unappreciated for what I do."
Independence vs. Togetherness
Husband: "In my family, we valued independence. So when we got married, I assumed we’d each have our own space and interests. That’s why, when you want to do everything together, I feel smothered and like I’m losing myself."
Wife: "In my family, we did everything as a unit. So when we got married, I assumed we’d always prioritize time together. That’s why, when you prefer to spend time alone or with friends, I feel rejected and unimportant."
Parenting Expectations
Wife: "In my family, parenting meant strict discipline. So when we had kids, I assumed we’d have clear rules and consequences. That’s why, when you take a more relaxed approach, I feel like I’m the only one enforcing structure, and I feel resentful."
Husband: "In my family, parenting meant giving kids freedom to explore and make their own choices. So when we had kids, I assumed we’d let them figure things out on their own. That’s why, when you insist on strict rules, I feel like our home is too rigid and stressful."
How These Beliefs Shape Conflict in Your Marriage
When you and your partner have different family expectations but lack the language to communicate them, conflict often arises in subtle and unhealthy ways.
You might withdraw when your spouse does something that contradicts your expectations, assuming they just don’t care.
You might become defensive or critical, feeling like your way of doing things is the “right” way.
You might make assumptions about their intentions, believing they are acting against you rather than simply following their own unspoken rules.
And when these patterns continue over time, they create emotional distance.
A New Approach: Building "Our Family" Together
Instead of operating from the rules of your past, you and your partner can intentionally create a shared vision for your family. Here’s how:
Reflect Together
Take turns sharing how your family of origin shaped your expectations. Use the sentence structure from earlier to help guide the conversation.Listen with Curiosity
As your partner shares, resist the urge to defend your perspective. Instead, ask:“What stands out to me about what you just shared?”
“Do I see how these beliefs shaped the way we interact?”
Identify Where You Clash
Pay attention to recurring conflicts. Are they rooted in differing expectations about communication, boundaries, or roles in the marriage?Create New Agreements
Decide together what your family will look like moving forward. Maybe that means setting boundaries with extended family, adjusting how you spend your time, or being more intentional about how you show appreciation for one another.Practice Ongoing Conversations
These are not one-time discussions. As your marriage evolves, continue to check in:What feels good about the family we’re building together?
What needs adjustment?
From "My Family" to "Our Family"
You are not bound by the rules of the past. You and your partner have the power to rewrite them—together. By bringing these unspoken expectations into the open, you create space for deeper understanding, greater connection, and a marriage that is shaped by intentional choice rather than unconscious patterns.
If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in frustrating cycles, couples therapy can help. A therapist can guide you through these conversations, helping you communicate with clarity and compassion. If you’re ready to break free from unspoken rules and build a marriage that truly works for both of you, schedule a session today.