Understanding the Abusive Mentality: When Love Doesn’t Feel Loving
If you’re reading this, you might be feeling confused, drained, or even hopeless about your relationship. You may not be dealing with overt physical violence, but something still feels deeply wrong. Maybe you’ve started wondering: Is this normal? Am I the problem?
Abuse in relationships doesn’t always look like bruises or screaming matches. Sometimes, it’s woven into daily interactions—subtle but relentless control, manipulation, or entitlement that leaves you questioning your own reality. If you resonate with any of the following statements, you may be in a relationship with someone who has an abusive mentality:
“You owe me.” Your partner acts as though love, time, sex, or emotional labor is something you are required to give them—without question, without limits. When you don’t comply, they become angry, distant, or punishing.
“Everything gets twisted to make it my fault.” No matter what happens, somehow, the blame always falls on you. Even when your partner clearly does something hurtful, they find a way to make you feel responsible for their actions.
“I feel suffocated by my spouse.” They control your time, your choices, and even your thoughts. They may disguise it as concern or love, but it leaves you feeling trapped rather than cherished.
“They try to run my life.” Your independence is threatened—whether it’s what you wear, who you talk to, how you spend money, or even what you think. Any effort to assert yourself is met with anger, dismissal, or guilt-tripping.
“Everyone else thinks my spouse is wonderful, but I wish they could see the version that I live with.” To the outside world, they are charming, kind, and admired. But behind closed doors, you experience criticism, manipulation, or control that no one else sees.
“My spouse says they love me but does not treat me in loving ways.” Love is more than words—it’s actions. If they claim to love you but continually dismiss, control, or belittle you, that is not love.
The Pattern of Abuse
An abusive mentality is built on entitlement and control. Your partner believes they have a right to dictate your life, your emotions, and your responses. When you push back or express hurt, they flip the script—convincing you that you are unreasonable, dramatic, or even abusive yourself. This cycle keeps you doubting yourself and feeling trapped.
You might also find yourself working harder and harder to please them, hoping that if you just do the right thing, they will change. But the truth is, you did not create this pattern—and you cannot fix it alone.
Why It’s So Hard to See
Abuse thrives in confusion. Many people struggle to recognize unhealthy relationship patterns because:
It’s not always bad. There are moments when your partner is kind, affectionate, or remorseful. They might promise to change, and for a while, things seem better—until the cycle starts again.
You don’t want to believe it’s abuse. Maybe they don’t hit you, scream at you, or fit the image of what you think an abuser looks like. But abuse is about power and control, not just violence.
You feel responsible for their behavior. They’ve convinced you that you provoke them, that your reactions are the problem, or that you are “too sensitive.”
You fear judgment or disbelief. If your spouse is well-liked by others, it can feel impossible to explain what you’re going through. You may worry that no one will believe you or understand.
Finding Clarity and Support
If this resonates with you, please hear this: You are not crazy. You are not overreacting. You do not deserve this.
An abusive mentality does not change unless the person engaging in it takes full responsibility and does the deep work of healing. If you are living in a relationship where you feel controlled, belittled, or constantly at fault, you don’t have to navigate it alone.
Therapy can be a safe space to untangle the confusion, rebuild your sense of self, and explore ways to find peace within your situation. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and valued in your relationship.
If you need support, we are here to help. Our trained therapists can help you gain clarity, set healthy boundaries, and regain a sense of self-worth. You are not alone—reach out today.