The Journey of the Leaning Out Partner: Finding Clarity in Discernment Counseling
When your relationship feels like it’s at a crossroads, it can be one of the most overwhelming and emotional periods of your life. If you find yourself as the "leaning out" partner in discernment counseling, you may feel the weight of uncertainty and conflicting emotions. Perhaps you’re questioning whether you still want to be in the relationship or whether there’s any hope left. You’re not alone in these feelings, and discernment counseling exists to help you find clarity in this complex situation.
What It Means to Be the Leaning Out Partner
As the leaning out partner, you might feel like the relationship no longer serves you in the way it once did. This could stem from ongoing conflict, feeling disconnected, or even a loss of hope that things can improve. Often, leaning out partners feel:
Guilt: About considering separation or causing pain to their partner.
Exhaustion: From trying to make things work or addressing unresolved issues.
Confusion: About whether leaving or staying is the right decision.
Pressure: From societal or familial expectations to keep the relationship intact.
Discernment counseling is not about pushing you toward staying or leaving. Instead, it’s a structured process designed to help you gain clarity and confidence about your next steps, no matter what those steps may be.
What Discernment Counseling Offers
Discernment counseling provides a safe space to:
Examine the Relationship’s Challenges: You’ll have the opportunity to explore what brought you to this point, without judgment or blame.
Understand Your Own Emotions and Motivations: It’s essential to unpack why you feel the way you do and what’s truly driving your doubts.
Identify What’s at Stake: Reflecting on the consequences of staying, leaving, or pursuing change can help you weigh your options.
Clarify Your Decision-Making Process: The process helps you make a thoughtful decision rather than one driven by emotional reactivity or outside pressure.
Tools for Self-Reflection
If you’re the leaning out partner, here are some ways you can use discernment counseling to help you find clarity:
1. Reflect on Your Role in the Relationship
Relationships are complex, and while it’s easy to focus on what your partner has done or not done, taking a step back to examine your own contributions can be revealing. Ask yourself:
How have I shown up in the relationship?
Are there patterns in my behavior that may have contributed to our challenges?
What do I need to feel fulfilled in this relationship?
2. Identify What’s Missing
Being honest about what’s missing or what has changed in your feelings toward the relationship is vital. This isn’t about assigning blame but rather about understanding where the disconnect lies. Consider:
When did I start feeling uncertain?
What specific needs or desires aren’t being met?
Are these things I believe can change?
3. Consider the Potential for Growth
Discernment counseling helps you explore whether the relationship has room for positive change. Ask yourself:
If I knew things could improve, would I be open to staying?
What would need to happen for me to feel hopeful about the future?
Am I willing to work on myself to contribute to change?
4. Explore the Costs of Leaving and Staying
Every decision comes with consequences. Take time to evaluate:
What might I gain and lose by leaving this relationship?
How would staying, even temporarily, impact my mental and emotional well-being?
Am I ready to let go, or do I need more time to decide?
Moving Toward Clarity
The goal of discernment counseling isn’t to rush you into a decision. Instead, it’s to help you feel confident about your next step, whether that means ending the relationship, pursuing a trial separation, or agreeing to commit to couples therapy for a set period of time.
If you choose to work on the relationship through therapy, you’ll do so with a clear understanding that both partners are committed to change without the immediate pressure of divorce looming. This "all-in" approach for a defined time (often six months) allows for focused effort and gives the relationship its best chance.
A Compassionate Space for Your Journey
As the leaning out partner, it’s okay to feel unsure and conflicted. What matters most is that you take the time to explore your feelings and decisions with intention and honesty. Discernment counseling is here to guide you through this process with compassion, giving you the clarity you need to make the best decision for yourself and your relationship.
If you’re ready to begin this journey, know that you don’t have to navigate it alone. Discernment counseling offers a supportive framework to help you find your path forward, one step at a time. We have therapists trained in discernment counseling ready to help. Reach out now.