The Danger of Comparing Your Marriage to Friendships
It’s common to hear someone say, “I can tell my best friend anything, but I struggle to talk to my spouse.” If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. Many people experience a sense of effortless intimacy with friends that can feel harder to replicate in a marriage. But does that mean your marriage is lacking? Or is it possible that we’re comparing two fundamentally different types of relationships?
The False Comparison: Friendship vs. Marriage
Friendships often feel emotionally deep because they allow for spontaneous vulnerability without the complexities of daily life. Your best friend doesn’t share your bills, parent your children, or navigate major life decisions with you. They aren’t the person you argue with about how to load the dishwasher, what vacation to take, or how to handle extended family conflicts.
This means that the intimacy of friendship is different from the intimacy of marriage. Friendship often thrives in an environment of openness and mutual support, while marital intimacy is something earned—built through shared experiences, struggles, and commitment over time.
When we compare the ease of a friendship to the work required in marriage, we risk seeing our marriage as deficient when, in reality, it is simply a different, deeper kind of intimacy.
The Marriage Crucible: Where True Intimacy Grows
In marriage, intimacy isn’t just about sharing feelings—it’s about sharing life. The small, daily choices you make together—managing finances, raising children, working through illness, navigating in-laws—shape a bond that no friendship can fully replicate.
This is why expecting your spouse to provide the same kind of connection you get from a best friend can be misleading. Your spouse isn’t just there to listen; they’re co-building a life with you. And that requires a level of negotiation, compromise, and trust that friendships rarely demand.
The Hidden Danger of Unfair Comparisons
It’s not just friendships we compare our marriages to. We do it with therapy, too. Many people feel deeply understood in individual therapy and then expect their spouse to respond with the same level of insight and validation as their therapist. But this isn’t a fair comparison either.
Your therapist is trained to listen, remain neutral, and reflect your experiences back to you without being personally invested. Your spouse, however, is part of the story. They have their own needs, emotions, and perspectives, which means they won’t always meet you with the same kind of detachment and objectivity.
Similarly, some people compare their marriage to unrealistic ideals—romantic movies, social media highlights, or the "perfect" couples they know. But all relationships have struggles, and when we hold ours up against an impossible standard, we fail to appreciate the real and meaningful connection we do have.
How to Stop the Comparison Trap
So, how do we shift our perspective and build intimacy with our spouse in a way that honors the uniqueness of marriage?
Recognize Different Types of Intimacy
Friendship intimacy is based on shared understanding.
Marriage intimacy is built through shared life experiences.
Therapy intimacy is a professional, structured form of connection.
Each of these relationships serves different but valuable purposes.
Build “Earned” Intimacy in Your Marriage
Spend intentional time together without distractions.
Work through conflicts rather than avoiding them.
Show appreciation for the ways your partner supports you, even if it’s different from how a friend would.
Avoid Unrealistic Comparisons
Instead of focusing on what your marriage lacks, notice what makes it unique.
Accept that marriage requires work, but that work builds a bond deeper than surface-level connection.
Communicate What You Need
If you crave emotional connection, let your partner know in a way that invites closeness rather than criticism.
Acknowledge that your partner may express intimacy differently, and work to find middle ground.
Lean Into the Work—And the Reward—of Marriage
Your best friend may know your heart in a way that feels effortless. Your therapist may help you feel deeply understood. But your spouse is the one walking through life beside you. They are in the trenches with you, weathering storms, making hard choices, and sharing in the victories.
Rather than resenting the differences between friendship and marriage, lean into them. Recognize that the hard work of marriage creates a kind of intimacy that no friendship, therapist, or romantic fantasy can replace.
If you’re struggling with connection in your marriage, therapy can help you navigate these differences and build a relationship that feels both intimate and strong. Reach out to schedule a session and learn how to cultivate the closeness you crave.