Sex Is the Oil, Not the Fuel: Reframing the Role of Sex in Your Relationship
When Sex Becomes Bigger Than It Really Is
Sex can feel like everything when it’s not working. If you’ve been in that place—where every touch feels loaded, every conversation about intimacy feels tense, and you’re not sure how things got this far—you’re not alone.
For many couples who come to sex therapy, sexual issues have started to take up an enormous amount of space. In fact, by the time most couples seek help, it feels like 80% of their relationship revolves around sex—or the absence of it. But here’s the thing: sex might be front and center in this season, but it’s not the whole story.
Let’s reframe the picture for a moment, using a metaphor I often return to in my work with couples—one originally shared by sex therapists Clifford and Joyce Penner.
The Oil vs. The Fuel
Imagine your marriage as a car. As the Penners put it, sex is like the oil. It’s not what powers the car, but it is essential for keeping the engine running smoothly. Even a high-performing car will eventually break down if the oil runs dry. In the same way, when sexual connection breaks down, couples can feel stuck, overheated, and increasingly disconnected.
But the fuel of the relationship—the thing that actually drives it forward—is intimacy. That includes emotional closeness, attunement, communication, mutual care, and the shared meaning you build over time. You can have plenty of oil, but if you’re out of fuel, the car won’t go anywhere.
This metaphor helps many couples understand why sex feels so central when it’s not working—but also why it can’t carry the whole relationship.
When Sex Is in the Spotlight
Sex therapy helps bring perspective. When a couple feels stuck sexually, it’s often not just about physical functioning or technique. It’s about how each partner feels emotionally connected, safe, wanted, and respected. And when sex stops working, couples understandably start focusing all their energy on “fixing” that one part.
But just like changing the oil won’t help a car with no fuel, focusing only on the act of sex—without addressing the deeper emotional and relational dynamics—often leaves couples spinning their wheels.
Sex therapy offers something different. It doesn’t just ask what’s going wrong in bed? It explores what’s happening in your life, your heart, and your relationship.
Common Pitfalls When Sex Isn’t Flowing
When sexual issues arise, couples often fall into familiar, but unhelpful, patterns:
Pressure or obligation to “perform” sexually out of fear the relationship will fall apart
Avoidance and withdrawal to protect against feelings of inadequacy or rejection
Over-focus on frequency instead of mutual enjoyment and connection
Blaming or shaming that creates even more distance and pain
These responses are human. But they can turn sex into a source of stress rather than a source of joy and closeness.
Returning Sex to Its Rightful Place
One of the most healing parts of sex therapy is the chance to put sex back into its proper perspective—not to minimize it, but to integrate it. Healthy sexual intimacy isn’t separate from the rest of your relationship; it flows from how you care for each other emotionally, how safe you feel to express desire and limits, and how well you communicate needs without fear of judgment.
When that foundation is strengthened, sex often becomes less stressful and more satisfying. It reclaims its role as one part—an important part—of a thriving relationship.
A Few Questions to Reflect On
If sex has become a pain point in your relationship, consider these:
Is there pressure or anxiety around sex right now? If so, where is it coming from?
Are there parts of your emotional connection that feel distant or strained?
Do you feel free to express your sexual needs and preferences with your partner?
Have other life stressors (kids, work, health, trauma history) impacted your ability to connect sexually?
These aren’t quick questions with easy answers. But they are starting points for deeper healing.
You’re Not Alone in This
Sex therapy is a space where these issues don’t have to be hidden or minimized. Whether your sexual concerns feel brand new or have been building for years, you don’t have to keep pretending things are fine—or believing they’ll never get better.
The couples who find their way to our practice are often exhausted, discouraged, and wondering if they’re the only ones who feel this way. They’re not. And neither are you.
Let’s Help Get Things Flowing Again
If your sexual connection feels strained, oversized, or missing altogether, you’re not broken—and your relationship isn’t beyond help. With support, insight, and tools designed specifically for couples like you, it’s possible to rediscover intimacy in a way that’s emotionally and physically fulfilling for both partners.
Reach out to schedule a session if you’d like to explore how sex therapy can help you reconnect—on every level.