Rediscovering Partnership: Externalizing Problems in Couples Therapy

The journey of a relationship is oftentimes a beautiful, but far from a linear path. It's perfectly normal to encounter hiccups along the way. At Insights Counseling Center, we greet these challenges not as monumental roadblocks, but as opportunities for growth and deeper connection in your relationships. One powerful approach we harness in this nurturing process is called 'externalizing the problem'.

Externalization is a therapeutic concept that enables couples to view their problem as a separate entity. This entity, existing apart from either individual's identity, is not an inherent characteristic of you or your partner. Essentially, externalizing is a tactical maneuver in empathy—a way to instigate team spirit against a common, external enemy.

Viewing the Problem as Separate

Often, in the midst of a conflict, it becomes instinctive to apportion blame to one partner or the other. However, problems are not innately part of us nor are they extensions of our identities—even though it might seem that way when caught in the ebb and flow of an argument.

Instead, visualize the issue as something between you and your partner: an unwelcome presence that has inserted itself amidst your harmonious bond. This perspective allows you to see the objective problem manifesting itself through actions and reactions. It’s crucial to understand that you or your partner's reactions are not the real problem. Instead, the reactions are triggered by an issue that lurks within your relationship, like a puppeteer controlling a marionette.

Building Empathy and Teamwork

By externalizing the problem, you and your partner begin to view each other in the same boat, struggling against the same opposing current. Suddenly, it’s no longer about who’s right or wrong—it's about jointly navigating an external adversary. This approach cultivates empathy, reminding both partners that emotions, carried out in harmful ways, often stem from deeper, shared battles.

For instance, repetitive arguments about laundry might not be purely about cleanliness but could reflect deeper issues such as feeling unappreciated or overwhelmed by responsibilities. When you visualize your shared problem as an external entity "overwhelm" or "lack of appreciation", it becomes easier to tackle these issues in tandem, rather than individually struggling in silence.

Turning Opposition Into Collaboration

Depicting the problem as the enemy invites collaboration over conflict. You and your partner will start asking, “What can we do about this problem?” instead of fretting, “Why can’t you fix this?”. With the problem now in the open, you can jointly explore solutions and set actionable steps to address it. It's crucial to candidly communicate, understand each other's feelings, and patiently negotiate compromises that work for both parties.

Couples therapy can provide a safe space to facilitate this rich conversation and enable proactive problem-solving. A therapist can guide the interaction productively, promoting mutual understanding instead of enhancing antagonism.

Gaining a Sense of Control

Last but not least, seeing the problem as an outsider that invaded your relationship reduces the sense of being trapped or helpless. It arms you with the uplifting perspective that you are not in the problem; the problem is in your space—a space you can organize, control, and clear out. You start to learn that, though problematic feelings and actions present themselves, you have the collective power to manage them.

In conclusion, remember: the problem lacks the power to define who you are individually, or as a couple. You are not the problem- the problem is something that life has thrown your way. It's a hurdle, not an insurmountable mountain. Externalizing the problem allows balance and understanding to reign in your relationship, empowering you to combat life's challenges together as a unified front.

At Insights Counseling Center, our purpose is to help you navigate life's challenges, find healing, and rediscover the partnership in your relationship. Our compassionate therapists are here to walk with you on this journey, offering guidance as you reclaim control over problems and rekindle your shared strength in marriage counseling.

Remember, it's not you against each other—it's both of you against the problem.