Deciding the Future of Your Relationship: Understanding Discernment Counseling
When a couple is at a crossroads in their relationship, they often feel stuck, uncertain, and emotionally drained. Perhaps one partner feels ready to work on the relationship while the other is unsure if they want to stay. This is where discernment counseling comes in. Unlike traditional couples therapy, discernment counseling isn’t about diving deep into the past or unpacking every problem in the relationship. Instead, it’s a short-term process designed to help couples gain clarity and confidence about their next steps.
If you and your partner are questioning whether to work on the relationship or go your separate ways, discernment counseling provides a safe space to explore those options.
What Is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is a unique approach for couples who are on the brink of separating or divorcing but aren’t sure what they want. It’s particularly helpful when one partner feels more invested in saving the relationship than the other. The process acknowledges the mixed feelings that often arise in these situations and focuses on helping both partners decide whether to:
Stay in the relationship as it is,
Pursue separation or divorce, or
Commit to working on the relationship through couples therapy.
Rather than delving deeply into the history of your relationship or providing long-term solutions (as couples therapy might), discernment counseling helps each partner clarify their goals, acknowledge problems in the relationship, and decide what they are willing—and able—to do moving forward.
The Focus Is on Decision-Making, Not Problem-Solving
One important distinction to make is that discernment counseling is not couples therapy. It’s not about repairing or resolving issues in the relationship. Instead, it’s about gaining insight into whether repairing the relationship is a viable and mutual option.
For example:
If you and your partner argue frequently, discernment counseling won’t focus on teaching you conflict resolution skills. Instead, it will explore whether both of you are willing to address the underlying dynamics that lead to conflict.
If there’s been a betrayal, discernment counseling won’t work through the details of what happened or how to rebuild trust. Instead, it will assess whether both of you are open to the hard work of healing and rebuilding trust in the future.
The goal is to create a deeper understanding of the relationship’s challenges and opportunities without the pressure to "fix" everything immediately. This clarity helps both partners make an informed decision about the relationship’s future.
What Happens During Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling typically involves three to five sessions, with each session focused on exploration rather than resolution. Both partners are given space to share their perspectives, emotions, and hopes. A trained counselor will guide you through the process, ensuring that it remains constructive and balanced.
The process often includes:
Individual Reflection: Each partner spends time with the counselor one-on-one to openly discuss their concerns, hopes, and doubts about the relationship. This allows for honest reflection without fear of judgment or retaliation.
Acknowledging Problems: Together, you and your partner will identify the key issues in your relationship. The goal here isn’t to solve these problems but to ensure both partners see and understand them.
Exploring Willingness for Change: The counselor helps each partner assess their openness to change and growth. Are you willing to try couples therapy? Are you ready to address personal behaviors that contribute to the relationship’s difficulties?
At the end of the process, couples will leave with a clearer understanding of their next steps. Whether you choose to end the relationship or begin couples therapy, discernment counseling gives you a sense of direction and intention.
Who Is Discernment Counseling For?
Discernment counseling is ideal for couples who:
Are considering separation or divorce but feel uncertain about their decision.
Have one partner who is “leaning out” of the relationship while the other is “leaning in.”
Need clarity and structure to determine their next steps.
It’s not a fit for couples who are already both fully committed to working on their relationship—that’s where traditional couples therapy comes in. It’s also not appropriate in cases of active abuse or coercion, where the safety of one or both partners is at risk.
Why Choose Discernment Counseling?
One of the most valuable aspects of discernment counseling is its ability to honor both partners’ perspectives. In many cases, one partner feels ready to dive into couples therapy, while the other is more hesitant. Discernment counseling bridges that gap by offering a neutral, compassionate space where both voices are heard and respected.
Even if the relationship doesn’t continue, discernment counseling helps couples part ways with greater understanding and respect. For those who choose to stay and work on the relationship, it lays the groundwork for meaningful growth and healing.
Take the First Step Toward Clarity
If you’re feeling unsure about the future of your relationship, discernment counseling can provide the clarity and direction you need. You don’t have to stay stuck in uncertainty or conflict—this process is here to help you and your partner make thoughtful, informed decisions about your next steps.
At Insights Counseling Center, our compassionate team is here to guide you through this process. We understand how overwhelming it can feel to face these decisions, but you don’t have to do it alone. Whether you’re leaning in, leaning out, or somewhere in between, we’re here to help.
Contact us today to schedule a session and take the first step toward clarity and confidence.