Building a Stronger Relationship Through Friendship: Gottman’s Sound Relationship House
When we think about lasting, fulfilling relationships, we often focus on passion and romance. But research shows that the true foundation of a strong and enduring relationship is friendship. Dr. John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House theory highlights friendship as a critical pillar of a healthy relationship, built through love maps, fondness and admiration, and responding to bids for connection. Without these essential elements, relationships can become distant and disconnected over time.
By intentionally nurturing friendship in your relationship, you create a deep emotional connection, making it easier to navigate conflict, manage stress, and maintain intimacy over the years. Let’s explore how these key components—love maps, fondness and admiration, and turning toward bids—can help you build a solid foundation for a lifetime of love.
Love Maps: Never Stop Learning About Your Partner
At the heart of friendship in a relationship is the idea of building and updating love maps. A love map is your understanding of your partner’s inner world—what makes them tick, what brings them joy, what stresses them out, and what dreams they hold for the future.
Too often, couples assume they know everything about each other, but people change. Over time, new experiences, challenges, and goals reshape who we are. If you’re not continually updating your love map, you risk becoming strangers to each other.
Building and maintaining love maps means:
Asking open-ended questions about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences
Checking in regularly about their current stressors, joys, and goals
Staying curious about their evolving dreams and fears
Being emotionally present when they share
A simple but effective way to keep love maps strong is by setting aside time for deep conversations—whether it’s during a weekly check-in, on a date night, or even in everyday moments of connection. Never stop learning about your partner, and never assume you know all there is to know.
Sharing Fondness and Admiration: The Power of Appreciation
Another essential aspect of friendship in a relationship is expressing fondness and admiration. This means actively looking for and acknowledging the good in your partner and your relationship.
When life gets stressful, it’s easy to focus on what’s wrong, what’s frustrating, or what’s missing. But shifting your attention to what’s going well can strengthen emotional connection and create a more positive relationship climate.
Ways to express fondness and admiration include:
Complimenting your partner regularly, even for small things (“I love how thoughtful you are.”)
Expressing appreciation for their efforts (“Thank you for making me coffee this morning—it really brightened my day.”)
Reflecting on what you admire about them and sharing it often
Looking for opportunities to recognize and verbalize the good in your relationship
By making appreciation and admiration a daily habit, you create an emotional safety net that helps buffer against conflict and strengthens the bond you share.
Turning Toward Bids for Connection: The Small Moments that Matter
Throughout the day, couples make countless bids for connection—small gestures or attempts to get attention, affection, or support. These bids can be as subtle as a sigh, a playful touch, or a casual comment about their day. How we respond to these bids determines the overall emotional connection in a relationship.
Gottman identified four ways partners respond to bids:
Turning toward: Engaging positively with the bid (e.g., responding to a partner’s comment with interest).
Turning enthusiastically toward: Engaging with warmth and excitement (e.g., responding with genuine enthusiasm to good news).
Turning away: Ignoring or not noticing the bid (e.g., scrolling on your phone instead of responding).
Turning against: Responding with hostility or irritation (e.g., dismissing or criticizing the bid).
When couples consistently turn toward or enthusiastically toward each other’s bids, they build emotional trust and security. Over time, this creates a strong friendship and emotional connection. On the other hand, frequently turning away or against bids leads to disconnection and loneliness.
The good news? You can strengthen your relationship simply by being more intentional about how you respond to your partner’s bids. Look for moments when they seek your attention, affection, or support, and make the effort to engage in a way that builds connection.
Friendship: The Key to a Lasting Relationship
At its core, a great relationship isn’t just about love—it’s about deep friendship. By maintaining and updating love maps, sharing fondness and admiration, and responding positively to bids for connection, you create a partnership built on mutual understanding, appreciation, and emotional intimacy.
If you and your partner want to strengthen your connection and deepen your friendship, therapy can provide the tools and guidance to help you thrive. Schedule a session with one of our therapists today to learn how to build a relationship that lasts a lifetime.